<----- NEW YEAR'S PLACEHOLDER--->


Right now my computer is falling apart around me (Major graphics problems requiring full reinstall... booooo) and I have spent the past 4 hours talking to a "chick" that I am am really into... So things aren't all bad... LIKE YOU CARE! YOU JUST WANT TO READ MY YEAR IN REVIEW DON'T YOU! FINE! IS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU! hehe... here goes!

theme song "Warning Sign" by COLDPLAY (Track 08 on A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD)

YEAR IN REVIEW! here are my resolutions from December 2002.

1. Lose weight, eat better, and get in shape. - I did eat better for most of the year. In the beginning of November I got a membership at BALLY'S and put myself on a fairly strict diet (That has gone to hell over vacation). How did I stick with it? Routine. My job (albeit shitty at times) does lend itself well to a routine. I thinned up alot (IMHO) and am looking forward to next year.

2. Stop drinking/Stop being depressed - I didn't drink ANYTHING ALL YEAR. Until my birthday that is... that was a fun night and I had a driver. As far as the depression thing goes... Well I moved out and have felt much better since. Still lonely though.

3. Get in a better financial state/ Buy a suit - I sucked it up and went back to TAG (for now)... that put me in a much better financial state.

4. Write, Write, Write - Well... My writing lapsed a bit this year... Probably because there wasn't much to say. I did do ALOT of thinking though.

5. Plant a tree - What did I do for humanity this year? Hrmmm... I kept my website open and I have been told people read it. So if it helped ONE person I guess I am doing something!

6. Get on the career track - Well... this year wasn't so much about what I want to do with my life... It is was I DON'T want to do. I realized I am not suited for the pressures of being a EMT...




*DRUMROLL*....and now to this year's resolutions...

1. Clear up my life: I have removed many of the "Distractions" from my life (If that is you than I am sorry)... I buried what was left of the skeletons in my closet. I picked up the pieces of my heart off the ground (or as many as I could find) and got my head together.

2. Find the path: You know I actually considered my job as a career option? Well... after the "Fuck you and a smile" that we got for a Xmas bonus... Hellz no! I am going to figure out some way to get out of my job and into some more money. Whether that includes going back to school for SOMETHING or winning the lotto... Something's gotta give. This year I have to figure out what the hell I am going to do with my life.

3. Plant more trees: Continue to do my service to the benefit of humanity! I plan to keep my site open for all of 2004. With all of my writing... If that helps ONE person... Or makes ONE person smile and be happy for just a moment of their life... Then I am making a difference.

4. Be vulnerable again: I have to open myself up to the world. No more of this "Nothing can hurt me" crap.

5. Get fucking RIPPED: I need to pump me up! Continue on my routine/diet and get pecs and abs! Make the honies swoon (including ex's!) Get to the point of doing the "Look at yourself in the mirror" workout!

6. Write MORE and DO SOMETHING with it!: You give up all that academic potential to be an "Artist" and it just sits there! Sell damn you SELL! Sell out!

PLAN B LIST

1. Get my 15 minutes of fame!

2. Win the lotto!

3. Get hypnotised to think that I live ON the O.C.! (Summer, Anna, Marissa - gotta try em all - HOTTIEMONS!)

anyways... looking forward to the future for once... So welcome to:

Faith and the Elusive Deity...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:54 AM [ comment.]

SMOKE IN MY CLOTHES

I like going out with my friends to bars... I, being a non-smoker... Hate the thin film that you get all over you when you get home... And it gets in your clothes which you can wash... But my jacket has to be dry-cleaned :(

Ah well... my sister works at a dry-cleaning place w00t.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:15 AM [ comment.]

...

you are so porcelain
i am afraid to touch you
so beautiful
that i want none of my shadow to dim your light


basking in the red glow
the heat on my face
i watched the fields burn
and doused the flames with tears
i am walking away
from all of this dust and death
from all of this ash and hurt
from all of this rust and pain
within
and without
just follow my footsteps
and you won't get lost
even if i am

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:04 PM [ comment.]

VACATION WOES

What the hell am I going to do with 10 days off? I gave up FFXI and that was my main plan over vacation...

I also need to find some plans for New Years.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:39 AM [ comment.]

Kwanzmukkahmas = The Ultimate Holiday?

Happy Kwanzmukkahmas everyone!

I have the perfect song for my year in review... I can't wait! Hint... It's COLDPLAY!

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:39 PM [ comment.]

CHRISTMAS WISHES

Merry Christmas, world...

Christmas seems so empty this year... My heart just isn't into it...

I know I will wake up tomorrow and get many great things from my family who loves me. Things I have asked for and will probably enjoy for a long time... It just isn't what I want...

My heart is with my niece, Ariel.

What I want is for her to be out of the hospital. I want her to be home and healthy. I want to be able to hold her and know that she is going to be okay... I would trade anything that I am going to get tomorrow for just that one thing.

It kills me to think that she is there alone hooked up to all of those machines... It also is a huge downer to be sick like this and not be able to go visit her.

She was born premature, so this past month or so has been a rollercoaster. One of the reasons I have lost myself in video games and such is just to make the time pass a little faster...

I want it to be January...

I love you Ariel!

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:58 PM [ comment.]

COME ON ROTK!

I really want RETURN OF THE KING to beat TITANIC in ticket sales (Domestically) - dammit I was dragged to that movie by an ex of mine. Well... I did cackle and laugh in pure delight at the end.... but that is neither here nor there. :)

I did, however, get some sugar afterwards. w00t.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:20 PM [ comment.]

IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE!!! (MUUUAWWAHAHAHAHA)

Well... I feel slightly better. Or maybe that is the doped up feeling of NYQUIL talking.

I think I may downgrade myself from SARS to the flu... Hopefully by Xmas it will just be a cold. It just sucks because I cannot work out... And I have gotten used to eating something every 2-3 hours... I haven't had anything all day and I am STARVING.

I musn't fall off the wagon (although some things are just plain good for the soul)... I just don't picture myself working out until next Monday (when I am better) due to the holidays and all. That sucks.

One more day... one more day and I can rest for 2 weeks.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:13 PM [ comment.]

MOVIE-ING SICKNESS

1. I have seen 24 of the top 150 domestic grossing movies in 2003. All but 7 of them in the theater. So that means I went to the movies 17 times... or approximately once every 3 weeks.

- Hollywood must be slacking off, because i saw 44 of the top 150 movies in 2002.

2. I am so sick right now, I feel like one of the zombies in 28 days later.... (#58 on the list)

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:32 PM [ comment.]

LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING

Well... 12:30am this morning I saw the last movie in the LOTR trilogy and I have to say... These three movies (as a whole) are the best movies ever made. (IMHO) - The final installment was everything I hoped it would be and more...

There were *gasp* moments.... There were *hah!* moments... but my favorite were the *HOLY SHIT!* moments.

My only complaint was that it was a wee bit too long a movie to watching at midnight. I didn't get home until 4am! Oh well it was worth it (although work sucked). I can't even imagine the extended dvd when it comes out (4+ hours)... Just cannot wait unitl I own all three of them...

Screw LUCAS and the WASCHOWSKIS... on their islands right now screaming "SUCKERS!" for the letdowns (albeit profitable). Peter Jackson is the man... Maybe Hollywood will stop pushing CRAP on us now that the bar has been raised.

My... precious.... Any GO SEE IT NOW!











Why are you still reading! Go!

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:26 PM [ comment.]

STARTING DEFENSE!!!

I just got back from my 12th session of working out at Bally's. My trainer re-evaluated me and came to the following conclusions:

1. I have lost 5% of my body fat... which puts me under 20% overall.

2. I have gained about 4 lbs. of muscle, while losing about 10lbs of fat.

Then I worked out. I was doing my favorite low impact excercise (the one where you look in the mirror) and noticed that I have slimmed down considerably. No more double-chin that was coming in. My torso and legs have slimmed down. My arms have gotten more defined.

So it is all setting in now... I buy clothes that FIT. Well... I try to anyway... I bought a few pairs of 34 jeans and they are falling off of me now (I was wearing a 36 earlier this year). None of my belts fit me anymore (I had to cut holes in them)...

I just look and feel better. I would kill someone for a 5 dollar pizza or a double quarter-pouder with cheese & fries... Hehe... Or a 2 Liter of vanilla coke... Hey, just because I am dieting doesn't mean a bronto can't dream. Instead of fantasizing with porn... I fantasize about the food I won't let myself have.

Just kidding. Porn rocks.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:15 PM [ comment.]

JOHNNY FAIRPLAY

Well... After watching John (Johnny Fairplay) get voted off on survivor... and all the suggestions for a new email address (zero) - I have decided to use johnny@deadpixel.org as my new email address.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:27 PM [ comment.]

CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME...

I too watch THE O.C. ... paul over at moonkhan.org has posed a question...

Summer or Anna?

Hrmmm.... Definately Summer... Something about squashing the uptight "I'm too good for you" chick makes me happy in the pants. Try not to ruin that pretty face on the headboard sweetie. :)

Especially since I found out recently that I am not "Good enough" for some people :(

Anna - although HOT... well she's the friend but not friend who is all artsy and such... Been there done that.

Wait... are we talking OC or real world? Ok real world ANNA definately. :)

Why wasn't Marissa included in this?

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:45 PM [ comment.]

BEWARE THE SPAM MONSTER

Well... the spam monster has brutally murdered my email account (john@deadpixel.org)... Last I checked I had over 3000 unread messages... So in the interim I will be using deadpixel@yahoo.com... However I need to pick a new email address. Some that I have been considering are:


johnny@deadpixel.org
johnnybronto@deadpixel.org
bronto@deadpixel.org
ithy@deadpixel.org
epilogue@deadpixel.org
solace@deadpixel.org

etc, etc, etc.

Let me know what you think... I will pick a new one by the end of the week.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:22 PM [ comment.]

ASHES TO ASHES...

Song of the moment "Ashes Everywhere" by Jospeh Arthur (Track 2 on COME TO WHERE I'M FROM)

I feel solid in my solitude

...I can't sleep. That is unfortunate because I have to get up in 5 hours for work.

This is usually the time of the year that I get really depressed. Last year I gave up drinking... (Except on my birthday) because it was getting out of hand. At least in my opinion. Numbing the pain does nothing but distract you from how much you are losing control over your life.

I had quit my job... I was broke and lonely. I was going to see depressing movies by myself (Solaris). Things weren't going well at all. The last few weeks in November spelled doom for what would be 5 months of doing nothing but hiding from myself and the world.

I began to think about Sarah... and it drove me deeper down.

This year, I have picked myself up and dusted myself off. Too much time had been wasted. I got my job back... I tossed that rock I was hiding under as far as I could... and haven't since looked back. Until now.

Heaven, I believe... is in our hearts and minds. It is in our memory and our soul.

Did I think about Sarah this year? Yes... But for once in a differently light. She will always be in my heart, regardless of whether I ever see her again or not. I honestly doubt I ever will. She will always be there no matter who I love or marry. A little piece of heaven in the occassional hell that is my heart. I can always look back on what we had... and for the rest of my days it will bring a smile to my face... and a warmth between my chest and stomach... Sarah will always be there, regardless of what happens. Perhaps in some way it will be the same way to her with me.

I would be lying if I said I never want to see her again. Or that I secretly hope she will show up here someday at my doorstep.

Love is power. Take that as you will, but it works both ways. It has the power create, and the power to destroy. Love is one person having dominion over another human being. It is fire. It is control.

Love is vulnerability. I miss being able to throw caution to the wind and just fall into someone.

I don't ever want to know if she gets married, has kids, etc. My life would be better leaving that to my imagination... or shoving it so far down that I never have to deal with it again. Why? Because it can still hurt me. As strong (or weak) as I have become... there are still certain ways to break down my defenses.

Certain people still have an "In". I don't deal with most of them anymore.

However... The ashes have to be scattered sometime. I have carved out a little niche for myself... I like where my life is at the present (although I worry about the future)... You have to grow up and say goodbye every once in a while. Shut the damn door and make SURE you turn the light off. It will always be there... just don't need it.

And, I think I am ready to do that. I have come into the habit of being brutally honest with myself and others when it comes to my emotional and physical well being. I'm human... and I bleed and hurt.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:24 AM [ comment.]