Tonight I feel so alive
that I want to die
I can't handle
this temporary omnipotence
and these
ticker tape words

You closed the doors
on all of the ways
That I'll never be able
to love again

You're out there
and I wonder
if you can feel me
missing you -
I want to find you
but we're so lost

I would show you a place
somewhere as beautiful as you
Somewhere -
where you won't need so many mirrors
-just me.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:11 PM [ comment.]

What's up?

Yesterday I got home to my computer FLATLINING. Power supply went... Guess leaving it on 24/7 for the last 2 years finally caught up to it... OOPSIE! That - after I had a meltdown sunday morning... I am back up and running again.

Nothing much else going on here. Just patiently waiting for a few things... Halloween party this weekend. Ordered my new video card... Final Fantasy XI comes out tomorrow.... Matrix Revolutions a week after that. ERGO! VISAVI! CONCORDENTLY! (sp?) I have my sweet ass customizable matrix screensaver running...

Normally I would say that I am bored.... but for once I am not. I have video games to play... SAVAGE is an absolute blast... and Raven Shield is still fun. That is good enough for me for now. Every time I stick my head out and look out to the world of relationships... it gets lopped off. And gloc needs time to heal.

So, once again... I am done for a while. Lately I have felt really unattractive anyway. Bleh and all that.

But I am writing... should have some stuff up soon.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:20 PM [ comment.]

Get my hopes up
only to kick the stability out from under me
Eclipse the sun, my faith
and force me to crawl back to hate
the only thing that makes me powerful
The only control I have
when all I find in love is weakness.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:31 PM [ comment.]

Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you
Like I do, like I do
Safe from pain and truth and choice
And other poison devils
See, they don't give a fuck about you
Like I do - A Perfect Circle - "Pet" (13th step track 10)

Anyway...

Deja' Vu... all over again...

A year ago tonight... on the Sunday after "Sweetest" Day... It was the last time I saw Mollie. She was a girl who was beautiful, who I liked very much. She was a girl I thought was worth falling for... but it wasn't to be. I opened myself up only to be hurt yet again.

So here we are a year later... Kristen is a girl that is beautiful, and who I like very much. On top of that it seemed she liked me as well... ("Like" sounds so childish)... I thought she was worth falling for....

We had a great night at that reception about a month ago... I don't connect with people very well anymore... but we connected pretty well... She seemed like a good fit. I tried to go out with her afterwards but she cancelled on me... Not once but TWICE.

Now... I couldn't ask her out after that... for fear of the "Third Strike". So a few weeks go by... Which became a month or so from the day that I met her.

Earlier today I was talking to her on AIM and invited her to my birthday party. Just out of conversation I asked her if she was seeing anyone... (Really I was expecting her to say NO so I could tell her to go out with me sometime - Kinda like the whole "Do I get to kiss you again or was that a one time thing" last year) - Well... once again I am thwarted by my own cleverness.... She said that she has started seeing a friend of hers...

So, at that point I tell her that is why I wasn't a priority... And she says "Sorry" and "You hate me"

Well... she should have told me. I'm not pissed at her, I say... She insists we can still hang out... I answer with "I'm not really good at being the third wheel with the girls that I like" - that was pretty much it.

Honestly, I am not pissed at Kristen at all... I am just disappointed.

I am pissed at myself for letting this happen... Once again I open up just to be hurt. It's not as if I loved her or anything... Or even if my relationship with her really meant anything... It's just the hope I saw in her. A connection that I thought I had made, and was obviously mistaken. Looking forward to seeing her again, getting to know her... etc. A month. Gone.

So Kristen, if you should ever read this... I can't fault you.

I just want to be part of someone's priorities for once.... When I meet a girl I clear my schedule to have the time open to get to know them.

So, I don't know what to do... This just capped of a really shitty weekend for me.

Last night was the TCM movie incident. This morning I was walking about in my pj bottoms and my grandmother basically called me fat. So I am just hurt all around. I want to hide under a rock, drink vanilla pepsi, eat some candy... and die.

I am so self concious of my weight that I feel like shit most of the time. In turn I eat to make myself feel better. Damn this vicious cycle.... I really need to do something about my life.

I just want to turn it all off again. I don't want to feel anything for a while. But unlike last year, I am not going to start drinking heavily like I did... I gave that up and I am going to stick to it.

Just need a way to deal... and some hope for once.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:03 PM [ comment.]

Don't be aroused, by my confession
unless you don't give a good godamn about redemption
Christ is coming... and so am I - REV 22:20 - Puscifer featuring Maynard James Keenan, Danny Lohner (UNDERWORLD sountrack track 2)

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 2:00 PM [ comment.]

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:15 PM [ comment.]

I walked out of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE... but not because it was bad...

It was because of the white trash a seat over DRINKING A BEER (in the theater) and COMMENTING (to himself, in a normal volume) ON EVERYTHING THAT FUCKING HAPPPENED IN THE MOVIE. ARGH.

RED TEAM! TAKE THE SHOT! RED TEAM! TAKE THE SHOT!

***BLAM!!!!***

... if only.

So, I got a refund... and hopefully his ass got tossed. I got about 3/4 of the movie for free so it's not all bad... I will just rent it when it comes out on dvd and skip to the last quarter of the movie. I swear some people should be shot.

I swear... people like that should be SHOT and taken out of the genepool.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:00 PM [ comment.]

Asleep I will be awoken by a soft knock
The answer to another deja' vu
And you will show up at my doorstep broken
Bearing the pieces that I left behind

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:59 PM [ comment.]

My name was never so true as it is on your lips
The only heaven I will ever see in your hearts
The hourglass, the OUR glass turned
And for a short time, I will be immortal

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:37 PM [ comment.]

IF YOU ARE GOING TO PRESS PLAY "Red Light- Green Light" - Limp Bizkit f/ Snoop Dogg (Track 8 "Results May Vary")

UPDATES 10.13.03

gimme my hat back bitch.

HAT GNOMES - After a long battle, the hat gnomes have been defeated... and the stolen hats recovered. So I have my hat back! (Even though I went out and bought another... Tigers hat but all grey instead of the white/grey one I thought I had lost)

ROMANCE - There was a blip on the radar... But I don't think anything is going to happen now. I really like the girl but she just seems too busy for me :(

MARGARITAVILLE: ... Who the hell knows? She's clueless, and I am clueless about her or what to do with her.

C.R.E.A.M. - "I'm all about gettin paiiidddddd" - Gloc. Seriously I have done really well paying bills... and I am planning on treating myself to a b-day/xmas present very soon.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 6:45 PM [ comment.]

Okay this is getting rediculous. I have lost 2 hats in the past 2 weeks.... and I am beginning to get quite concerned.

WE HAVE HAT GNOMES AT MY HOUSE.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:18 AM [ comment.]

There is a difference between a flower and a weed...


My step-grandfather died last week... and the funeral was last wednesday.

... and I don't care. I never knew him... I can barely remember the sound of his voice, and I can see him talking in my mind but cannot match the words.

Once again I have to think about losing my "mim" (grandmother on my father's side) a few months ago and feeling nothing... And once again I have to ask myself...

Does this make me a bad person?

It's not the pain inside.... There is nothing. The only reason I went - was out of respect for my dad. To be there for him, because I care about him.

It wasn't the pain inside... It is the pain of others that gets me. My dad, mom, sister crying.... My uncle Mike... THEY cared. THEY had a relationship with this man in the casket that I never had, nor cared to. And in some way I can FEEL that. I feel it and THAT hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I am empathic... Incapable of feeling anything myself in such situations (more and more of them) - Emotionally I have to feel vicariously through others...

But alas, the defenses hold. I am too strong to feel it, or too weak to deal with it, you pick. The tears well up, my nostrils open, and I purse my lips and scowl as I put my arm around my sister to console her, and walk out of chapel in the cemetary. I take a deep breath, and there is nothing that can hurt me once again. This facade has no give - it has to work both ways.

Nothing in, nothing out.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:44 AM [ comment.]