If you're going to press PLAY - "Innocent World" by Joseph Arthur (Album Redemption's Son Track 5)
If I were to say that I have problems with depression... it would sound so typical. It's so labeled... just take this pill! Go see this shrink! Get over it! To say that I have a problem would just mean that there is a solution out there. A miracle cure in some form. I wish that there was an easy way out.
I get these panic attacks sometimes. As if everything is crashing down and around me. Sometimes it just keeps me up at night... other times I just feel flustered and my heart races.
It really isn't... but everything was falling apart in my life. The loneliness takes it's daily toll... Waves eroding the castle walls I built around myself. When there are cracks and it starts to show... That is when I am at my worst. Because I panic. The sky is falling...
I was on edge last week. It never really is any one specific thing that sets it off... Nor is it a culmination of things... It's nothing. It just happens. You can't think, you can't breathe... You can't eat or you eat too much. Your friends all of a sudden have "expendable" sign on their backs even though you need them the most.
Arriving at my parent's house... Someone must have cracked the door for him... but my nephew Logan put his little hands around the door and opened it... You should have seen the smile on his face... the wide eyes filled with happiness.
It melted my heart in that beautiful moment... Like it does everytime I think about how much I love him.
The world has turned my fucking heart into a chunk of black ice and he is the only thing that helps... He is the only thing that melts it and makes it all go away. The only person who lets me feel one god damn fucking thing. Even if it is for only a moment. The only one who can fill any space in vast emptiness that my heart has become.
Logan is the only reason I didn't kill myself when it got really bad. Because even though I don't have any hope for myself anymore... I have all the hope in the world for him. And I wouldn't miss a second of him growing up. God I love him so much... He living proof that there is a God out there somewhere that creates beautiful and wonderful things.
I will never be able to express in words how he's saved me time and time again, and continues to do so everytime I get to see him and play with him. As he grows up I will never be able to make him understand how thankful I am. Because one little smile or laugh from him is all it takes for these clouds to go away.
It breaks my heart to know that someday he is going to be hurt... Or that one day he is going to look around and see how ugly the world can be. I wish he would never have to see some of the things that I have seen... felt some of the things I have felt. I wish I could save him from the world... as it has already claimed me.
However I cannot be around him 24/7... and I am so lonely right now it's killing me...
So, I have been keeping myself distracted. I work, play a video game, and sleep. Okay that is a lie... sometimes I don't sleep :( I'm struggling to find some beauty in my life.
* * *
Margarita is fucking me up emotionally. My friends insist she is a waste of time... That if anything was going to happen... it would have many times over by now.
She loves someone who doesn't return it... She worships him, and does anything she can to try to get him to feel the same way she does.
I love someone who doesn't return it... I worship her, and would do anything in my power to try and get her to feel the same way I do.
You can't choose who you love.
He is doing the same thing to her that she is doing to me... And sometimes I hate how jaded I have become sometimes to realize such a thing. As candid as our conversations have become... the more I talk the more things I am admitting to myself.
Our relationship, like it or not... is dying like a star. Flaring up and out... to overcome us all. And when the flare is over there won't be anyting left for anyone.
I love her. But sometimes that dark part of my heart tells me that I am just infatuated with her because we haven't slept together. Love and lust can be interchangeable sometimes
You know... there are certain stages of loving someone as it runs it's course.
You realize you love the person. It dawns on you in a beautiful moment... One filled with all of your hope, all of your dreams.
Hopefully there are short periods of happiness...
Then you realize that the love you have is finite... No matter how long you want to make it last... Sometimes the other person stops...
When they don't love you back... It hurts. You want to give them everything you have, everything you ARE. You want to show them beautiful things... You want to fill whatever void they need filled... With love and hope.
At this point you start to resent them for not loving you back. For your love not being good enough for them... when it's all you have to give. Or when it was good enough at some point but isn't anymore.... or when someone else's is better than yours.
Then you start to hate. You hate them for not loving. You hate your friends for telling you things that you know are true but don't want to listen to. You hate God for doing this to you. But most of all.... you hate yourself. You hate yourself for not being good enough anymore for the person. Or never being good enough in the first place... You cannot understand why... when you can make it all better for them... they don't take you up on it.
It burns... oh it burns bright. Fortunately for you it burns out quickly. Because you love them.... and can't fault them... even if they don't love you back. Your eyes come back from red and you see the ashes your life have become... And you either... Pine for it and waste time.
Or shut the fucking door, say your goodbyes.... and get on with your life.
--->
posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:36 PM
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