A glimmer of hope?
maybe it's just a rush of sugar
A decaffeinated haze is this aquired apathy again
The pills saving
but resulting
in and aneimic existance.

Is it really victimless-
perhaps some other's wish?
3 words gone
3 words gained
Neither created nor destroyed
who took my love from me?

once wounded
withdrawn and sworn off
the knife in my stomach
but sometimes, just sometimes
I miss the pain.
That delerium...
The randomness of my nights gone
now only dreaming
when I am awake.

the result of the fourth horse
trampled and torn
A machine, a routine
Ones and a zero year
Off and on, on and off.

A shadow made of ink
see me by candlelight
the more I give the less I am
wandering
wondering where I should draw the line.

Passion, angst, and hope
The vision is gone
This hallowed ground
collapsed upon itself
My jihad/revolution/rebirth
was a failure.

Momentum gained
all of the voices in my head
become a circle, a solid
The only fire I have left
is to dance this dark waltz
now more farenheit
than celcius.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:52 AM [ comment.]

I know... I know... I KNOW! I haven't been here for you... or me.

* * * * *

Asistole... Look it up. Coding, Flatline, Pulseless... I can't really think of any better way to describe how things are now in my life. There was a spike when I was planning on Florida... however I doubt that will happen at all now. There are too many things to do here. Get my EMT license is one. Many loose ends have been tied up in the past year... some of which I do miss sometimes.

I cannot make a life for myself. I can't take a defibrillator and somehow shock myself into existence. Every once in a while I try.

It's hard to explain... but there is this sense within of waiting... and wanting... As if I am the verge of something... but when I look ahead I see nothing. All of the vision I once had is gone.

It's all a haze.

On the other hand I am just so tired. Defeated. All of my will is being drained. That is sad because that is the one thing that keeps me going....

I am not in love. I am not in pain. Therefore I am nothing. I do not feel - so therefore I am not.

When I read back over what I have written... In the days where I was drunk on emotion, good or bad - that was the time when I was most alive. Every day was an ending and a new beginning. There is neither now. I can only rework the same material over and over again so many times, before every "new" word is just a repeat of something I have already said. When there are no words, nothing can be written.

So, this is my impasse...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:37 PM [ comment.]

The blue skies,
my hand cutting the wind...
Losing myself in this
...a happier time.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 2:28 PM [ comment.]

Song of the Moment - "Knife Party" by the Deftones

my knife it's sharp and chrome
come see inside my bones
all of the fiends are on the block
I'm the new king
I taste the queen
in here we are all anemic
in here anemic and sweet
so go get your knife
and come in so go get your knife
and lay down
so go get your knife now kiss me
I can float here forever
in this room we can't touch
the floor in here
we're all anemic
in here anemic and sweet so

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:02 PM [ comment.]

Song of the moment - "Lead me upstairs" by David Gray

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:18 AM [ comment.]

"I would go out and look for a girlfriend, but... it's wednesday!"

Some people work better as martyrs.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:10 PM [ comment.]

I'm not going... At least not until next fall.

I didn't pass my EMT-b test yesterday. Why didn't I pass? I made a stupid mistake. I made a STUPID STUPID STUPID mistake. I forgot something I would NEVER forget in the field, something I had NEVER forgotten to do previously. I wasn't thinking.

...so that kicked the soapbox out from under me.

You see, I want the experience. It could be alot of fun. However, it wouldn't be fun at all if I was scraping by. Without my EMT license it would be. I was planning on working Disney the minimum hours required to live there, and driving an ambulance as much as I could to make some decent money and still have some free time to enjoy myself.

After taking my test yesterday... I wasn't letting it stop me. "What is six months?" - I told myself.

When I got home from work... I had an epiphany. "What IS six months?" - well six months is the difference between enjoying myself down there and being miserable.

1. The weather - In May thru November it is going to be HOT down there. It will be HOT (then decent) here. If I wait until fall the difference in weather will actually mean something.
2. Money - I can't afford it. Period. Two months isn't enough time for me to get all of my bills straightened out.
3. EMT - I want my license and I will get it. I am not moving down to Florida without it. I need to work as an EMT down there to have any sort of money.

There is more, of course, but that is it in a nutshell. I am not prepared to go... and when I do go I don't want it to be half-ass. If it does end up being a one-way ticket then I want to be able to survive (thrive) down there.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:42 PM [ comment.]

Two quick things.

1. The announcement - was made at DnD tonight. It was really quick, and there weren't really any reactions worth noting. I will admit is was nice to finally get it out there, even if I was nervous to talk about it. Noel did say something to me on a break going to 7-11. He suggested that I do not go, citing that I am only going for *expletive deleted* - (reference to females). I don't really understand that because I haven't had a girlfriend in years... and I am not actively looking for one anyway. If it happens, it happens. John has priorities.

...there is more to me moving than all of you think...

2. My EMT-b test is tomorrow - I studied w/ Miguel tonight and I think I have most of it down... again. I am too tired to sleep right now, but hopefully I will get at least a few hours of rest. 8 Hours from now I am due to take my test. Yes I am nervous.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:19 AM [ comment.]

Song of the Moment/Theme Music for this entry: "What it is to burn" by Finch **(Download now!)**

I have made my decision.

...you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future. - Risky Business

I have probably quoted that a hundred times over in my journal. There isn't much more of a statement that sums up my life. Anyone who knows me has learned that I get bored easily.

anyways - ...I'm going.

It was funny yesterday, when filled out all of the online paperwork. I found myself hesitating at the final moment with my mouse hovered over the "Submit" button.

I will make the announcement this Sunday at DnD. (Or now if you're reading this). I am due in Orlando, Florida on May 21st, and will stay for 6 months. Honestly I thought that it started next fall, but apparently not. So in a way I feel bad. I feel bad for DnD, because I am not going to be able to finish this campaign, nor start the next. Joe is a great DM and am going to miss Sundays...

That, and Joe/Nykanen are going to have to figure out the rent situation. They'll figure it out, they are big boys. Actually, I think it is already figured out... It is pretty much what would have happened if I had moved out a month or so ago. I'm gonna be replaced by a pool table, lol. They will have 2 months to figure it out.

I know that people are going to take this the wrong way. However, people who know and care about me... they will understand.

btw - This song rocks.

This internship is something I am going to commit to. No going home early. Homesick as I know I will be, I will be there for the duration.

I will miss my mom. I will miss my family. I will miss my nephew... (Logan should start talking in the next 6 months). I will miss my friends. I will miss DnD. All of them greatly. Thinking about how much I am sacrificing - it's staggering, really. That being said - I'm just too comfortable here... almost content.

How can I say that it's not enough without it being taken as a negative?

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am sick of being depressed all of the time (no matter what) and hating myself. - If working at the happiest place on earth, where the ration of girls:guys is 12:1, in the warm Florida sun can't change my life... then I guess nothing will.

So here I go. I'm going to give it a shot.

There are just some things that I have to do before I go. The first thing I need to do is bury my dead. That is going to require alot of acceptance on my part, some of which I haven't given in to yet. There are many bridges to burn on my way down there. When I moved to Ohio I had a girl who was making me want to move back, and a girl who I didn't want to leave when I moved. This will not happen this time around. There are situations that I have to resolve before I go. I want a clean slate. I want to give DW and Florida 100%.

Also, things need to be settled with some people... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I have deleted pretty much EVERYONE's phone number from my cell phone.... *hint* - If I don't hear from you soon, you may never hear from me again. Time for you to get off your asses and put some effort in. If I find myself down there, and my life makes a huge turnaround and I am actually *GASP!* happy... there is a slight possibility that I may in fact stay there.

So, the preparations begin...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:15 AM [ comment.]

... sometimes I feel like I am taking a leap of faith, but I know not why.

It's happening.

A few weeks ago by some off chance my buddy Hump called me. He invited me to the recruitment session for the Disney World college recruitment (internship) program. Half-heartedly I attended, but a few minutes in I was very much interested. It sounded fun... Doesn't pay very well ($6/hr) but I think it would offer more than just money. Anyway they held a short interview afterwards (I have mastered the art of interviewing - Yes, it is an art), which went well. That and Hump (who had done the internship previously) knew the recruiters and put in a good word for me. I was supposed to hear from them in a few weeks via email.

I spent the next few weeks hoping that I would not be accepted...

Needless to say, I got my orientation packet in the mail a few days ago. Yup, Johnny Bronto is going to Disney World. I was accepted. Less than 2 weeks now is the time I have to decide whether to go or not next fall. I will admit, I am struggling with the decision...

* * * * *

Can't help but compare this to the time that I moved to Ohio. At that point I was running, desperate to escape my life here. Everywhere I went in Michigan was a constant reminder of how damaged I had become. It was nice to get away (even if for a few weeks), but I came back. Moving back - I faced my demons... Wish I could say I conquered them but I have not. Nothing was solved... but some of it was resolved. That was 2 years ago.

There are still parts of me that are so broken and battered... I don't think they will ever heal... No self-esteem, no feeling of self-worth. I wake up every morning with the same sense of being defeated. Even when I was making great money at wallside it all felt empty.

Depression is a disease. With it no matter what happens... It just never gets better. The only thing you have is blips on the radar, small moments that aren't really happiness, but momentary distractions. You begin to accept these as happiness, because you don't know anything else. Instant gratification becomes a drug.

As with other drugs, it has taken it's toll... on my body, my financial situation... Both of which are trashed right now.

How can I have the most wonderful family and friends in the world and still feel like this? They love me, shouldn't that be enough? Why do I feel like I have dissappointed them so? I have a nephew who lights up my life with every little thing he does... sometimes I feel like he is the only heart that I have left. I feel sorry for my mom the most. For all that she has given me... Everything she went through to give me a good life...

I'm sorry, mom.

I feel like I have let the world down. Whether they see it or not, I can see my wasted potential reflected in their eyes. If I have blown all the hope there was for me, what hope have I for myself?

This is the part where everyone thinks I am suicidal... Rest assured I am not. I would be lying if I said that I had never thought of it before... but that was a long time ago, when I was a much weaker person. I try not to think about that time of my life... How far I had fallen from grace.

I am not that person anymore.

* * * * *

It's like longing to feel the summer sun in the dead of winter.

I have faith.

I have realized lately that I have things to offer the world after all. Empathy is something I have always had. I am an emotional chameleon and I can cut the world like a knife. Never have I concerned myself with money (be that good or bad). The only thing I want to do in life is make a difference, to matter. Fight the good fight.

If I can reach one person then it will all be worth it. That is why I do this. That is why I write. It's hard to expose yourself to the masses like this. Knowing that my family, friends, and complete strangers read my journal. My most intimate feelings.

Bleeding and crying on digital paper.

My hope is that someone could come here and not feel as alone as I do sometimes... knowing that there is someone else out there that feels the same way.

I have fought for air every single day of my life for as long as I can remember. I am still fighting.

* * * * *

So, where does DisneyWorld fit into all of this?

One day I will wake up and be 30 years old. Then 40, 50, 60, and so on. On those days I don't want to look back on my life and have never accomplished anything. I want life experience. There are things that I have always wanted to see and do. People to meet... and elusive deity to be found.

Personally, I think a change of scenery would do wonders for me. This time it would be on my terms instead of running. Not that there is anything wrong with my friends or family here... I think they will understand.

Looking ahead - there isn't much left for me here in Michigan. The future is a void. In Florida I see opportunities, and my heart is telling me to go.

I'm afraid, too.

This isn't the fight for sobriety... it is the war against it.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:46 AM [ comment.]