Valentine's day has come and gone once again... I had a good day but you can't help but look back a bit. Working at the airport today, it just seemed as though there were alot of happy reunions... people carrying roses by the dozens, gifts, etc. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood.
It's hard to believe that years have past since I had a meaningful relationship with a girl, and saddening to believe that years could pass before I find someone special. Doesn't take much to put me in a reflective mood these days. I am alone and the only thing I have to keep me company are memories. Describing how it makes me feel... well it's hard... I don't really know how to put it into words anymore.
Haunting. That would be the best way to put it. Memories of love are like ghosts that haunt you. Immaterial, ethereal... something that exists in your heart but has no substance in the real world anymore. Always looming of your shoulder and weighing down your soul. Always just out of reach, just out of sight. You know it's there, you can just feel it...
What you don't have now amplifies your awareness of what everyone else does. Even with a twinge of envy you try to live vicariously in some small way through them.
When there is no present, there can be no future to come from it... The only thing that exists is the past. It's isn't all bad. I have fond memories of the good times, lessons learned from the bad. There are just some things you cannot take with you from the past. You can take photographs, notes, various other physical things. You can put them in a shoebox and look at them after to laugh at who you used to be, compared to what you have become.
As I said I burned everything over a year ago. It was a mistake because it just magnifies the vagueness of it all now. There are no specifics anymore, no words to read, no things to feel or look at. You can't remember what someone said, but you know they said something.
Putting everything in a box - well it's easier because you know that you have put it all on a shelf. Both physically and mentally. You know it's there, and that you can look at it any time you would like to. In this you don't have to think about it from day to day. It's there and it isn't going anywhere. Eventually that's all it is, all it means to you is that it is there physically.
I tried to destroy it. I tried to take the easy way out. Never can I get those things back... At the time they were my safety net - my parachute. Cutting all of it loose was just part of freefalling. Trying to tell myself that I could just turn my feelings on and off at will, to be numb and cold whenever the situation made it appropriate. Eventually I snapped out of it, but the damage had already been done.
It isn't killing me to not be able to go back to that stuff. "Sometimes you have to take a step back to take two steps forward". That statement used to be valid. I'm just not capable of reliving that kind of hurt anymore. Even if the good times outweigh the bad times... where are the good times now? What good do they do me when all I have left is pain? I need not go back, when I have this journal to help me.
You only carry the good times around when you are in denial about the bad.
Let me talk about senses... I saw a movie last night and made me think about senses and how they relate to love. How does this tie in to what I just said? - Try thinking about the memories of your senses.
You can't see their faces anymore and it haunts you. The lines of their faces are blurred in your mind. I could ask my mother for photographs of my ex's but what would that accomplish? Nor can you remember what they sounded like - Their voices are just muffled now, as if you can think of them talking but their voice has been dulled over time. The laughter is never quite right. You cannot remember what their hair smelled like. How when you would go to bed after they left... and the bed would still smell like their perfume. What it tasted like to kiss them. How their body tasted... The salt of their skin.
Finally, how they felt. The oil of their skin. Their lips upon yours, or your body. Even small things like holding hands or having them in your arms. The way their body moved or reacted to yours. The feel of their head resting on your chest. To feel them breathing. How their scalp felt when you put your hands under their hair. Things both sexual and non.
All memories fade, none more quickly than your senses. So get out there and feel everything you can while it's still there to be felt...
... sometimes I feel like I am taking a leap of faith, but I know not why.
song of the moment: "my immortal" by Evanescence (thanks mike)
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posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:28 PM
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