www.deaDpixeL.org... your daily epilogue

[1.30.2003]

I miss being in love.

- and I know what you are all thinking. "Here we go again". Just bear with me...

I promised myself that I wouldn't pine for any of my ex's ever again. It isn't healthy to do so anymore (never was). That is one of the many reasons this is called "zero year" . None of my past exploits mean anything anymore, save the one fact that it is how I got here. How I became who I am today. All of my triumphs, all of my failures... Time to move on John.

"Revolt!" was me trying to ignore my past and just move on from square one. Took me forever to realize that you can never do that.

We are all products of our environment.

...

People love me. My friends, my family... Even though I tend to screw that up every once in a while, they have never left my side. I will never be able to thank them all for never giving up on me. Even when I had given up on myself.

That is not what I am saying though.

...

How many times have I tried to describe love here? How do you put words to something that is so indescribable?

I just miss it. I miss the feeling of someone out there loving me. Loving someone and having it not be one-way. I guess the hole in my heart can't be filled with anything but love. God knows I've tried. Casual or lustful sex just for the sake of itself doesn't work. Seems to work for others, which is fine... just not me. It left me feeling more empty than when I had started. You try to fill it with sex, work, video games, movies... anything.

When they shut the door to leave do you feel better or worse?

Can you remember the last time you went to sleep being content, knowing you're loved? Knowing that a special person is out there falling asleep feeling the same way about you? The same when you wake up? It's almost as if when the two of you are dreaming that you can spend that time together, just because you feel the same way about eachother?

I don't dream anymore. I have been dying a little every day since... well... I have spoken of it before. Even among the ones I do love I feel alone.

... before any of you jump down my throat for repeating myself for the 100000000000000000th time. Look in the mirror. Go on, do it. When was the last time you loved? We have all had that one. For most of us it's gone. Just because they're gone doesn't mean we have stopped loving them. If you think about it... Has it even diminished? Be honest with yourself. Truly honest. If that person showed up at the door could you really turn them away?

I know it's not fair. I know that we have all been hurt. That we have said we would never forgive them, etc. We would. We would if we really loved them. Why?

Because we love them. We miss them. We worry about them. We wish we knew what they were doing right now, and they are safe. Don't lie to yourself.

Love is the only thing that means ANYTHING in this world. Life without it is NOTHING. Everything else is fleeting. To me at least. Love for friends, family, and those special few... Or that special one. She's gone and the only thing I can do is hope that there is someone else for me, or somehow she comes back. It just kills me to have that kind of hope laced with so much doubt.

Madonna was nothing more than a girl who filled Sarah's void. Just took me forever to realize that. She was a pretty girl who lasted a year and a half... and I know why it ended. It wasn't REAL. The time we had together was just out of mutual benefit. Physically and emotionally. It was a good fit... just not perfect. The funny thing is when I tried to turn it into something else is when the problems started.

Love can be so many things. All I have seen in the past few years is how destructive it can be. How it turns someone into someone else. What about the positive? There wouldn't be an questions. Only acceptance. You wouldn't have to be selfish anymore because you have all you will ever need.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Always have, always will. My friends do, in their own ways. I just happen to have this stupid web journal to vent. Everyone knows how transparent I am... but what they don't know is how transparent they themselves are. I have seen the love and content on their faces (few of us have it now), seen it come... see it go. - but I have also seen the pain and loss... the hurt, and the longing. The lucky of us still have that person... the rest of us... we do what we have to do to get through the day, through the night. To wake up and start all over again.

Remember what it was like to just fall into someone? You know what I mean. Just to know they will always be there to catch you. That no matter how hard your life is, you can forget it all with just one of their smiles. Holding them (or being held) and having it all wash away.

I know it's not fair...

I just miss it.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:41 PM [ comment.]

[1.29.2003]

I was having a horrible day this morning...

1. I woke up too early (6am) because I slept pretty much all day yesterday.
2. I cut myself shaving around 8am (under my right nostril) and it was bleeding profusely all over the place. And I am trying not to get it on my uniform. X_x
3. Couldn't find my ice scraper in my truck (time to clean it out!)
4. When I did find my ice scraper I was backing out of my car and some lady beeped her horn and scared the bejesus out of me as if I was going to leap 5 feet over to get in front of her car that was going 5mph.
5. Did I mention I cut myself shaving? It bled for over an hour at work. Great now I look am going to look like a coke addict on my 2nd day. Had to explain to everyone that IT IS NOT A NOSEBLEED. NO I DON'T NEED TO LAY ON THE FLOOR. So finally it quit after about an hour into my shift.
6. My ID badge (COME GET IT IT'S READY) doesn't work when I go to pick it up. So I have to start the some of the security process over again.

Things then turned around.

1. I got my ID badge, one that works... at the end of my shift. Yay!
2. I didn't get any blood on me.
3. My shift was really cool... and the airport tour was really fun. My training manager rocks.

So all in all today is all goodness. O_o

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:09 PM [ comment.]

[1.27.2003]

... just enjoying my bowl of pizza.
-"BOWL?" - yes well all the plates are dirty so there are only bowls to eat my reheated Vito's (RIP).

Today I got a few things crossed off my list. Ticket is paid and my phone is back on. Start my new job tomorrow at 9am. So, my extended vacation is over. Boooo. Money = yay!

The atmosphere at DnD yesterday was the best I have seen it in a long time. No ripping on eachother. Just playing together, having fun. Enjoying it... like we used to.

Hard to believe that I almost threw all of that away last week. I can be such a dumbass sometimes.

I don't want to make any excuses... but I guess I have learned that when I get really frustrated with something - other things suffer. I figure that when everything else is falling apart I might as well jump on the bandwagon. I get really self-destructive. Really. And I know what I am doing, but I don't care. It just feels like I am watching myself from afar. Like a movie where you are yelling at the screen, or screaming in a soundproof room.

It gets to you. "You're throwing away your best friends"

Money, Love, Sex - these fleeting things come and go (and have been absent for a long time)... My friends Joe and Noel have been there through all of it.

* * * * *

I just told Kim goodbye for the last time. I don't hate here for who she is... but she doesn't belong in my life anymore... In any way. Sorry. I am just not that person anymore, no matter how much I wish at times I could be. It was so much easier then... being someone else.

* * * * *

I just can't escape the fact that I care.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:22 PM [ comment.]

[1.26.2003]

Things to do this week...

1. Clean my room... Including folding my clothes, moving my AC off the floor and into the garage, and putting the sheets on my bed. Vaccuming and Pillow cases would be nice too. For some reason I can't keep my sheets/pillowcases on anymore.
2. STUDY - I take my EMT-b test in a few weeks. A lot is riding on this, so I need to study up. I need to call my old classmates and get together to practice.
3. Work - New job! w00t!
4. Get tax return check and cash it. Pay bills.
5. Get a new bank account. Or not.
6. Pay my cellphone bill to get it turned back on.
7. Pay my ticket in Ecorse so I don't get arrested.
8. Start working out on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Maybe do a little walking/running.
9. Try to cut down to 1 can of pop a day. Caffeine withdrawel makes me physically ill. I am just going to buy a 12 pack and ration it out. Other than that I have 2 cases of water that I need to start drinking.
10. Try to devote a LITTLE bit of time to RO, and Raven Shield.
11. Get some sleep. Get back on a good sleeping schedule... Starting right now.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:43 PM [ comment.]

[1.16.2003]

am i
a part of the cure
or am i part
of the disease - Coldplay "clocks"

I am not dead.

* * * * *

Things were getting pretty bleak, though. I almost didn't make rent on Tuesday... meaning I almost had to move home. Thank mom and dad! They fronted me the money for rent this month. Right now I have 10 bucks in my wallet, I am on E in my gas tank... and my bills are starting to combine to form devastator.

I will be okay though. My tax return is going to save my ass this year. It will plug all of the leaking holes in this soon-to-be-collapsing dam.

* * * * *

Let's just get some dates together.

January 16th, 2003 - Today. Today I mailed my EMT-b application to take the NREG test in Feb. Today I also went to CONCORD ambulance service, to apply. I can't be an EMT there until I have a license, but I can put an app in and get the hiring process started.

*** SOME TIME IN BETWEEN ***

I really need to find a throwaway job. If nothing more than just for some money to live and try to fend off some of my bills. I have applied at a ton of places but the job market around here sucks ass. I have applied at (2) Border's, Lowe's, CompUSA... I have reactivated my status with Kelly Temp, but I have heard nada. I think I might drop my standards a bit and just work the food service for a month. Like a pizza place or something. That way I could have the added benefit of free food.

Also, I need to start studying again. Alot is riding on this test.

*** SOME TIME IN BETWEEN ***

February 10th, 2003 - My first choice for taking the EMT-b National Registry test. The 14th, and 28rd are my other choices.

* * * * *

Just need to hold out another month.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:48 PM [ comment.]

[1.08.2003]

26 - just kidding.

* * * * *

I find myself in the same situation I was in right before I started at TAG. Love the job or hate it (the latter) - It gave me a lot of stability. I should have done more with it when I had the chance. This pile of recently compiled bills - well it's just a disaster. I have promised myself that if I do get back in at TAG - I will get my shit together.

So, now I feel like a gazelle on late-night nature programs. Trapped, accepting their fate.

I did the math, I thought about all the possible combinations of part-time/full-time/midnights/days/whatever jobs and it just doesn't add up. For some reason, slave pay at TAG is more than any of those. So I called my old boss the other day and talked to him for a bit, said he would let me know yesterday or today.

Really hate to say it - guess I am looking forward to working again. Wait - that's a lie, I am looking forward to spending money again. Only this time around I need to start sniping my credit cards with huge amounts of $$$. I have bunch of really stupid bills that just need to be taken care of so I never have to deal with them again. That is something I should have done last year.

Just another promise I have made to myself.

* * * * *

So what has John been up to lately? Nothing really. Alot of sleeping. When I am not sleeping I am stressing about my current situation, and waiting. The feeling of bitter hatred towards my old job comes and goes. Yesterday (morning?) - it finally set in. It is my only option, no matter how much that sucks.

It is kind of pathetic not knowing what day it is. Funny how one can lose track of time and the date.

My appetite has been non-existant. Giving up fast food and pop really destroyed my diet. Not that I could afford it anymore. Mentally I would kill for a super-sized fry right now. I can't though, I am sticking with my diet. Even when I have money again.

Afford. That word makes me regret quitting TAG. I miss being able to do whatever I want.

Oh, and the headaches - I have had a migraine every day since December 31st. Why? Not drinking pop. No caffeine intake. Perhaps that is where my appetite went.

* * * * *

Someone kill CARROT-TOP for me... please. Right now. While you are at it kill PAPA ROACH. Late-night t.v. has taken over my life. I have become a raving insomniac.

Ah well. Some day this will all be over, one way or another.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 2:58 AM [ comment.]

[1.05.2003]

"The best kind of slave is the one that believes he is free" - Not sure where I heard this but I think it may be from THE RED STAR.

I don't want to go back to TAG. I really don't. The only thing that would make me go back is the money... I hated working there, and I hated the people I worked with. Also, I would only be working there until I get a chance to jump ship... again. What would make it worse is everyone riding my ass how I quit. I am sure my ex bosses would send me on the largest and fathest jobs. That, and it is freezing outside. Yeah, I know how much money I would be making... and it would let me dig myself out of my hole fairly quickly... but is it worth it?

When Nykanen asked them a few days ago if I could come back the reply was "We'll think about it"... I know this is just to make me sweat. I know they will take me back. Why wouldn't they? Yes, I quit, but I was more reliable than half their fucking roster. I was a good slave who one day decided that it was enough.

"We'll think about it" indeed. I've been the one thinking about it. I am afraid that Nykanen is going to wake up tomorrow, and tell me that I go back on Monday, 6am sharp. Right now I am in the mindset of just telling them to go fuck themselves and to forget it.

I dunno, I have been thinking that I could work somewhere full-time midnights, and have a part time job during the day. That way I would be able to make some money, and have somewhat of a life. I don't care what the job is... as long as it pays OK, is INSIDE, and has a set amount of hours.

If I don't go back to TAG though, I am going to have to move home. Who knows what kind of disaster that could become. Alot of my friends still live at home. It would suck horribly but I would save like $330 in bills a month (which would also get me out of this hole quicker) plus god knows how much on food, etc. It would be the smart thing to do.

I just cannot have my cake and eat it too, seems like.

Argh. Working 8 hours a day isn't bad. Working 10 hours a day isn't bad. But working 8-10 hours a day HATING EVERY SECOND of it makes the day go by twice as slow. So working 8-10+ hours a day, 6 days a week, freezing your ass off in the snow... Just doesn't seem to appealing to me right now... even if it would mean more $$$. Stack on top of that all the shit that I will get from everyone...

Everything sucks right now. I can feel the walls closing in, but I don't care. I just have to survive until I can take the tests for EMT, the Detroit Police Dept. and the Detroit Fire Department.

So, I am going to have to make a decision soon. Like in the next 48 hours. Rent is due on the 14th, and I just don't have it. I am sure I could get someone to front me the money, IF I had a job... but as of this moment I do not. I think on monday I will try to wake up early and go find a throw-away job just to hold me over until I can get those tests out of the way.

I will never be a slave.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:07 AM [ comment.]

[1.30.2003]

[1.29.2003]

[1.28.2003]

[1.27.2003]

[1.26.2003]

[1.20.2003]

[1.16.2003]

[1.10.2003]

[1.09.2003]

[1.08.2003]

[1.05.2003]

[1.01.2003]