I feel a bit better. I thought about of the things I said last night in my journal. I started writing a notepad document... I'm drinking again and listening to David Gray...

... and I finished the first song I have written in... a very long time. I used to be a pretty decent lyricist... but I found poetry as a better medium of expression.

So anyway... it is alot of what I said last night, and some other things, I felt left unsaid.

It is called "11:11" I have stared a new section on my words page for my songs. I might post some old stuff (My boy otto, LOL)... Going to be funny to compare how I used to write to what I have created recently. BTW "My Boy Otto" was a band that I sang in way back in High School. Yeah, we sucked. Boy did we.

Looking at the song - it makes me believe that it IS better to have loved and lost, than to never haved loved at all. There is no doubt about that anymore.

Song of the night "As i'm leaving" by David Gray

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:28 AM [ comment.]

...11:11pm and I make a wish. The same wish that I have been making for the past 4 years.

"I'm getting drunk" i say as I walk in the door.
"Why's that" nykanen says.
"Because all of my coping mechanisms are failing"

She's 3 miles away from me right now and I can't do anything. She is 2 blocks from my moms house where I will have to spend the better part of tomorrow.

She's here. I can feel it. And it's killing me.

I may lament very much about love... but I never throw around terms like "Soulmate" and "Love of my life" lightly.

It has been 4 years since I have seen her. I swear to God that there hasn't been a single day since where I haven't thought about her. Missed her. Loved her.

4 years ago we sat through an uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's... Inevitability and silence weighing heavy in the air. I think we both knew it... We just couldn't bring ourselves to say it.

When I drove her home... in my old blue truck. I remember stopping at the end of the block before I dropped her off.

"I feel like I'm never going to see you again" I say... already choking back tears. I can't remember anything after that. I don't remember our last kiss, I don't remember her getting out of the car and going into her house. I don't remember watching her leave.

I feel like I'm never going to see you again.

... and I haven't since.

There is a part of me SCREAMING to drive by her mother's house. I know she's there. Then there is little voice in my head telling me that is what stalking is. Shut up little voice in my head.

I feel like the worst thing that could possibly happen is for me to even get a glimpse of her. I don't think what is left of my heart could take it. You can never predict fate... but I know that it would happen. When you have your heart broken as many times as I have... you tend to see it coming. Call it a survival technique.

I want to do something really stupid right now like go over there and see her.... hoping that her seeing me would just be enough to fall in love with me again... and live happily ever after...

... but I know that is just me watching too many movies. Being such a fucking sap.

That is not being realistic. That is not REAL. There is always hope that if you love someone enough they will find their way back to you.

I just know now that hope and reality are two very different things.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:01 AM [ comment.]

I am so bored. I would go to sleep but if I do so now then I will not wake up until 2 or 3pm tomorrow.... and I have many things to do.

* * * * *

The job that I am SUPPOSED to begin on December 2nd is starting to fall through. That is really, really bad. So I am scrambling to make sure my hook up gets me in there. I have also started to put applications in at other places, just in case. I dawned on me today that I don't really have to work an "9 to 5-ah" anymore. The only thing that I need is the time for my classes, and some free time to study.

I think no matter what I am not going to make the same money that I made at TAG. However, when I have more money, I spend more money. Rent and Lease payments are most important... then other bills... and finally personal funds. As I have said I purchased pretty much all of the big things that I need... so I just need to make sure my bills get paid.

I am not going back to TAG. I don't care what happens. No fucking way.

So, tomorrow I have to get my tabs renewed... mail out some stuff... and look for a job in the meantime. I miss working (yes, and the money too). I had a crazy idea today... I can pretty much work any hours of the day, so I applied to be a security guard at UTOPIA (a local club) and tomorrow I am faxing my resume to SPACE in Detroit. I think I owe myself a fun job as long as the bills get paid. So I am going to see what happens with that. I want to be more local where I work, too. I am sick of driving all over the damn place. Even the Edison job would have taken me out to Novi, Farmington Hills, etc. That is a pretty nice drive from where I live.

I might even get a small day job, and a night job...

*Sigh* I just want to stay on top of it... I don't want to end up skating by like I did in my basement a few years ago... and I don't want to move home...

I want to be a student. I want that to be my main focus. That is what is most important to me right now. Even more so (for once) than finding a girlfriend. I have my priorities straight... and priority number one tomorrow is finding a job. So if the Edison job does in fact fall through... I want a backup plan. In another 2-3 weeks things are going to go to hell if I don't have any money. I don't need the added stress of my finals and the approaching holidays, on top of not having any money.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:48 AM [ comment.]

I am so tired... My eyes heavy... but I cannot sleep. Funny how things work themselves out that way.

I have to be at my St. Mary's Clinical in less than 3 hours. 7am to 3pm - 8 hours. I am not looking forward to it. I would much rather have more 12 hour shifts with the Dearborn Fire Dept. Ah well. This is just one of the hoops that I have to jump through to complete the course.

As with most things in my life... my confidence has started to slip a bit... Doubt has reared its ugly and unending head yet again.

Doubt in my abilities to be an EMT-b, doubt in what I have learned. Doubt in my knowledge of the field. I am just going to have to study.... and study more, study harder. I want this so I don't care what that little voice in the back of my mind is telling me. I need to practice to get comfortable in the things I will be tested on and required to do.

* * * * *

My self esteem, as well as my self confidence - it's gone. It was taken from me long ago and even trying to believe that I have either is just self-denial. I, sadly, do not.

Maybe it just bothers me still... what happened with Mollie. Everything was just going so great... and she just seemed to change her mind out of nowhere. I cannot control what one thinks... but I cannot help but fault myself in some way. Perhaps if I were more attractive (mentally, socially) then things would have been different.

Yeah, this is where you get on your soapbox... "People are interested in more than just looks... etc." Wake up, people. Not in this far from perfect world. That may be true but looks are what get you in the door... And in just the same way that the first thing I look for in a girl is physical attractiveness... I would expect the same from them. If all we were interested in was personality then we should all just walk around blindfolded relying on emoticons to match us up. Please.

I hate my weight and how I look. I hate how shy and inhibited I am.

and I say to myself... "I want to change." I want to change who I am, both physically and socially.

Physically - I used to weigh 210lbs. Earlier tonight I stepped on the scale and it said 176lbs. I mean, that is 34lbs that I have lost in the past year and a half. Looking in the mirror though... It is never good enough. I just hate my body. (Yeah I know that is such a girl thing to say) - but I do. Every time I have tried to work out in the past few years... it would be fine for a week then I would get hurt or sick and just stop. I don't work at TAG anymore, so I should start again. I really should. I am trying to do push-ups when I get up in the morning... and sit-ups before I go to bed. I try to run a mile every day... err... every other day. I should really get things into a routine EVERY day. When I have money again I want to get a membership at BALLY's or something... somewhere with and indoor track so I can run during winter. (note to self - That might make a good xmas present from the fam.)

Diet - Right now, I am dieting pretty hard. Might sound kind of weird, but I drink a slim-fast(tm) every morning instead of having breakfast (I used to go out for breakfast almost every morning at TAG). I have given up most of the pop that I would drink normally... and replaced it with water. I have tried to give up all red meat, eating alot of chicken/fish instead. One benefit of not having any money is not having the ability to run out and just get some food "Real quick" i.e. fast food. So I guess I am making a concious effort. So far I have been sticking to it over the past week. Even when I am forced to get some less than healthy food... I try to choose the lesser of the evils that I am faced with. Even on Sundays.

Most of these things are a concious effort.

Socially - I am screwed. My rigid "No drinking ever" stance has slipped in the past year. Mainly because a drink or two lessens my inhibitions. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I have alot of alchoholism in my family... on both sides. I don't think I will end up like that... but it does keep my wary. "Liquid Courage" as Mr. D. explained it in class. It is just that.

I must have a weird personality or something. Maybe I am odd, or eccentric (My roomates are, but they know that.)... I wonder what I come across as to women. I think I am just slotted in that "Friend" category right away... I seem to find myself there often. Well, I put a stop to that too. No more girl-friends with boyfriends. Not worth the effort.

Yes I need to get out more.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 4:48 AM [ comment.]

A few things...

1. You may have noticed that there is a new feature to www.deadpixel.org - the "Spokesman of the week". I should be updating it every Monday or so. I am working on a few in advance so I don't get behind. I am open to suggestions! Some of us have *hint* personal heroes that will be showing... Maybe even next week! email suggestions to john@deadpixel.org .

2. With all this free time that I have come into... I am going to try and get some writing done... and try to add some other new features to the site. One would be a non-journal NEWS page... and the other would be a REVIEW section for Music and Film.

* * *

All of this freedom is great. But it does come for a price... that being a lack of money. Which was fine... I was supposed to get my last paycheck tomorrow (today) from TAG. I was informed today (yesterday) that they are going to hold onto it for ANOTHER 2 WEEKS. Now... I am kinda broke. I was counting on this $560 or so to last me until I get my first check from my next job.

Now, what is their reasoning? Well I had my NEXTEL phone activated through them... and they want to make sure that I am fully paid up (all 5 days worth of the usage since the last time I paid the bill)...

You know what I think? I think it is a parting shot. Oh well... fuck them. Fuck them in their stupid slave-driving asses. That part of my life is over... and whether or not they understand it... I will survive... and they are actually doing me a favor by holding onto it for me... that way I cannot spend it. Oh, I will manage.

If they want to be children, then so be it. I am above that. Perhaps they were expecting me to come beg for my job back. Sorry to disappoint, there is no fucking way I would give them the satisfaction.

* * *

Things are good. I am just looking forward to having a normal job again... (and a normal paycheck). I guess this is what I get for flaunting how much money I have had for the past year and a half. The good thing is that I have purchased pretty much all of the things that I wanted... and I have everything bought for school. I am trying to look at it as having my christmas break early. A month from now this break in cash will be all but forgotten. Thus I can move on.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:07 AM [ comment.]

"Why would I take my life, which was going so smoothly... Steady job, etc... and totally fuck it up?"

I was thinking earlier tonight and a thought dawned on me. I live my life on seemingly on whim, mood.... but whims that I have come to believe are intuition.

My old job at TAG was shoving me around. I was a slave to the "good money". On the flipside of that was the long, unpredictable hours... the working 6 days out of the week when the 7th is always taken. Trying to go to school, and somehow muster a social life. Kind of hard to fit a social life in when you only have a 2 hours of free time a night, half the week.

I want things that TAG was preventing me from achieving. I just realized that it is a dead-end job for me, filled with deadbeats at that.

Call this shoving back.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:35 PM [ comment.]

51 minutes and my 24th birthday is over.

I invented the term "The list" for myself a few months back when I had my pre-school party.

Well, unfortunately... now the list is empty. There is a not a name upon it. I was thinking about taking another shot at Mollie... but what is the point? If she really wanted to be in contact with me, or be "Friends" then she would have called. I drew some lines and kept stepping back to draw more.

Good for me, I suppose... that I have learned to give people a few lines apiece... and how to hit the ground running.

...Sometimes you develop coping mechanisms. I have done so to be able to bear how alone I really feel in my heart. The void widens a bit every day... With every beautiful girl I see, with every happy couple that passes, with every memory that I can't seem to burn out of my head. Perhaps in the future it will overcome me again.... but I will stay vigilant, and focused. With the hope that my sight is linear to the light at the end of the tunnel. With some of the only faith that I have left.

How I had convinced myself that my future relationships would come somewhere from my past... I don't know. It was just a thought stuck in my head, and it was in fact that thought which was keeping me from letting go so many times.

... no more.

Like I have said in years past, I get to look at my life today and see where I have been, and where I am going. This year was a staging point for the rest of my life. Funny how everything came together when I didn't have any kind of relationship. Everything has been a mess of missed chances, miscommunication, and strategic silence.

However, I will wake up tomorrow and try to breathe. Try to live my life... and not worry about things that I cannot change.

* * * * *

I am looking forward to my 2nd fire clinical tomorrow. It should be a long day - I will be prepared with things to do.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:22 PM [ comment.]

I am drunk.

Noel was gracious enough to drive my truck home... Thank you Noel!

I don't really drink but tonight I was celebrating my 24th birthday with my friends and I said what the hell. They were buying me drinks... so I had to at the very least oblige them.

Let me run through the night before I forget and/or pass out.

1. IMAX - Star Wars Episode II - PEOPLE: 2 Total disaster... Ann Marie and Steve also showed, but did not buy their tickets in advance... and it ended up selling out. So they didn't get to see the movie... Geez that was an awkward situation. (I had bought my ticket in advance)...

2. PizzaPapalis - PEOPLE: 6 - Total disaster No. 2... Everyone had eaten beforehand... so we just skipped the whole thing and went to.

3. The olde shilleglegh (sp?)... PEOPLE: 11 - We sat at the bar for a few hours... and then the AP crowd showed up to save the day. Erin came with a friend... that was fun. I drank way too much and Noel just drove my truck home (Thanks Noel).

... I had fun. Plans didn't go through exactly as planned but oh well. The people who cared to show did. And for that I am truly blessed.

But... now I have to sleep.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:48 AM [ comment.]

How does it feel to have my blood on your hands?

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:41 PM [ comment.]

They turned my Nextel off this morning... So I had to get a new cell phone... I have tried Sprint, Cingular, and Nextel before... this time I went with T-Mobile to see how that works out.

$40 a month for 1000 anytime minutes... that is cheaper than Nextel... but no Spoop-Booping anyone. :(

However, it does have AIM capabilities... I had to send the following message out earlier. "you can now message me on my phone if you HAVE to get ahold of me (i only get 500 a month)... so if you cannot get ahold of me on the computer via THEdeadpixel... use BRONTOPHONE"

... I just cannot be without a phone.

Wow, the next 2 weeks are going to be kind of long.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 4:48 PM [ comment.]

Fear not, my dear audience... I have found employment already. I am going to take a few weeks off to get my head together and then start December 2nd.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:48 PM [ comment.]

As of 9am this morning... I no longer work for TAG construction (a sub. of Wallside Windows).

Yup, I quit.

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around"

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:22 AM [ comment.]

... and back to my normal everyday life I go. *Sigh*

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 6:45 AM [ comment.]

Halfway through my shift. 3 runs so far... I was about to nod off in the breakroom when we got our last call.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 2:11 PM [ comment.]

Well, I am 2 and a half hours into my clinical at the Dearborn Fire Dept. Only one run so far...

They have the internet but no dvd player... :( I cannot watch Star Wars Ep2 or the LOTR special edition. 9 and half hours to go. Everyone here is pretty cool...

Ah well, I will check back in later.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:23 AM [ comment.]

CV WRITES:

Hey John,

I know this completely unrelated to your entry, but I have to ask a guy: If you were interested in someone, how would you behave around them? You seem to have the same kind of quiet personality as a guy I like. So, how would you show a girl you liked her?

... Sorry it took me so long to respond. Here goes.

Well. If you are a girl... it really doesn't take much at all. Look at how males and females are made anatomically. I mean, just a girl showing interest in someone (to them) is enough for most guys. That is, if they have a possibility of liking you back. If that fails, try body contact. It is that little kind of touch, here and there... that does it for me. I am a personal space person... and the only one who can break that barrier is... you guessed it... a girl. It is so much easier for a girl to "hook up" with a guy if they really want to... much harder in the vice-versa. Look at me.

* * * * *

If I had to use one word to describe my life right now... it would have to be Renaissance. I just feel like the dark times are over (for now, at least)... and I am just enjoying life. I am loving school, and my success in my classes. My teachers are great... and I look damn spiffy with a stethescope around my neck.\

I have started running every day after work. I am already dirty so I can kill two birds with one shower. I was diagnosed with high cholesterol when I took all my lab tests for school... and I want to do something about that before I get older. Diabetes runs in my family, and I want to avoid that too. That, and honestly I am not happy with how I look... I doubt I ever will. I have to eat better too. So, a 20 minute sprint and a giving up red meat I go.

* * * * *

I hate my job but I am okay with that. It just makes me realize that I should just be happy being an educated member of society. About 9 out of 10 people at work.... well any sort of discussion with them is... less than stimulating. I must reiterate that I do not have much in common with any of them. Not my fault that I live a NORMAL life, my IQ is around 135, and they are all a mess of pot smoke and DUI's. ... Oh well fuck them, fuck them in their stupid asses.

It's all endentured slavery, really. I am only doing this to segway into something better. My first "out" and I am gone. Believe it. Whether it be as an EMT-b somewhere when I get my liscense, or as a security guard at the casino... something. I just long for the day when TAG will be a footnote.

* * * * *

I have women in my life... possibilities. And, even if those do not work out, I feel good enough about myself to go out and make some possiblities for myself. Mollie has gone from a kick in the stomach to a slight PANG here and there. Haven't talked to her in a few weeks, so I guess that is, in fact, that.

* * * * *

For once, I don't have much to complain about.

Oh, I almost forgot. My first book will be entitled Girls named M, followed by my second book Shut up and bang. Look for the first book in the summer of 2003.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:29 PM [ comment.]

The plans for my 24th birthday party are up.

Click here to view the flyer.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:04 AM [ comment.]