* * * The Elusive Deity * * *

Tonight marks ONE WEEK since I last talked to Mollie. Easy come, easy go I guess.

* * * * *

I was laying in bed this morning... thinking about my life as usual... Finally I began to really understand what the phrase "Elusive deity" really means. Originally it was just a concept... just some -chic- play on words, representing my neverending search for love and happiness. From the depths that were the years I spent hiding from everything until now...

Now, I realize that it has always been there. As far back as I can remember... From the first time I fell in love... all through the time I most recently fell for a girl (Mollie).

Always there, always elusive to me.

The funny thing is... it always changes. Love always changes. I originally thought that my different loves were just that - different, and seperate. All special cases. Now I know that it is just the same love that I had for all of them, but always changing... evolving.

It is as though I originally fell in love with one person. And that same person is still out there...

My elusive deity.

I see it in everyone that I fall in love with. Sometimes it is just a flash. Sometimes it stays for a while. Just when I am getting comfortable... it leaves me.

I remember moving home from the dorm after the spring semester at Eastern in 2000. I had my car packed with all of my stuff, and I was listening to the song "Stand inside your love" by the Smashing Pumpkins... A song that represented (to me) my relationship with Madonna. For the first time in our year-and-a-half relationship... Through all the downs, then the ups... I finally relaxed... I finally sighed, and leaned back in the seat of my car... and just accepted the fact that I was madly in love with this girl, and she in turn loved me. That our relationship (the friendship, sex, partners, etc.) was really good.

... and I let my guard down.

Needless to say, she broke my heart a week or so later. In ways that I have gone over many times in this journal. In some ways that I can't even describe in words.

That was years ago. I don't know if other people do this... but sometimes you look back, and you remember how that person made you feel. Regardless if they are still in your life at the moment. It is what gets you through the times when you feel alone. Alone like you are the only person in the world. You look back and remember what it was like to love and be loved in return. I had to do that, in order to survive.

And now... when I look back. I feel nothing. Mollie made me realize that love replaces itself. Renews itself. Even though falling for her turned out poorly to say the least. It still replaced my last love.

I would say that it is a good thing. Alot of the pain is gone... finally. However I am stuck in a state of limbo. I fell for this girl and she left me stranded with a foot in the door. I can't have her and I cannot go back either. So where does that leave me now?

I'll tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me wanting. Knowing that it is out there. When Madonna left me I had convinced myself that I would never be in love again. No one would ever love me, nor could ever bring myself to love someone for fear of getting hurt again. And for a while there I lost all hope... all faith. And I drifted thoughout lives, places, and a few beds.

None of it really amounted to, nor meant anything. I had, tragically... lost my very being. Who I was.

It is really unfortunate about Mollie. Disappointing.

It just seemed like fate. Destiny. Everything was so perfect... I couldn't have asked to change anything... and it just fell apart. My love is gone again.

At the very least it shows me that it's out there for me... somewhere, someone. It's out there and I will find it again.

* * * * *

Erin. Erin is a girl that I met through my classmate, Hawkeye. I don't really know how to describe her. She is beautiful, fun... and some other things. The problem is "my game" is a bit out of date. I am doing my best to just be myself and see where it gets me. Courting was something that I never really had to do. Things just fell in my lap (no pun). I guess I have to work for it a bit. I just want to spend some more time with her, and get to know her a bit more. I just have alot of doubt.

Shannon. Not much to say yet. Probably nothing. She is a girl that I met, the waitress at a bar in Allen Park. I am going to check back on her tomorrow. I don't know if it was the elation that I was enjoying from passing my first mid-term the previous week, or the "Mollie standing me up and I just don't give a fuck", or the *cough*slight intoxication*cough*... Just something gave me the impression that she was a possibility. I might, just might, have gotten her phone # had Nykanen totally screwed me over.

When you are a wingman, and you don't know what to say... Keep your mouth shut. Safest bet. He couldn't and I had to pull out and go back for another run ( tomorrow), sans Nykanen.

* * * * *

Regardless, I will wake up tomorrow and continue the search...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:49 PM [ comment.]

Just want to say one thing...

I FUCKING NAILED MY PRACTICAL MID-TERM.

And now... after celebrating (a bit too much) I must slumber.

Viva la... IRON WANG!

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:30 PM [ comment.]

I think it is safe to say that Mollie wrote herself "off the list" yesterday.

Sunday, as I had written... we made plans to go out on (Monday) and play pool.

Last week she cancelled on me... which is fine... things come up, and I know what it is like to be too tired to go out. Fine. The night after (one week ago) she broke my heart. Fine. I can deal with all that.

Last night - no phone call. No nothing. "Call me around 7 o'clock" turned into her NOT EVEN BEING HOME. Leaving a message with her dad for me when I called. That she was at her mom's and she would call me tomorrow (which is today). Well, no phone call. I mean, I do have voicemail. And she knows that I have school tonight.

This has come up before with some other girls/girlfriends. How long does it really take to make a phone call?

... there is only so much a man can take. I have been there... and I don't draw as many lines as I used to.

Argh. Booo on her.

* * *

In other, more positive news. I got a 96% on my first midterm... my overall grade is around 90%. So I am passing. My second midterm, the practical one... is tomorrow. I am a bit more worried about that than I am the lecture. I think I have it down though.

Airway, Breathing, Circulation. Vitals. Head to toe.

At least I have school under control. That's what is really important.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:52 PM [ comment.]

After staring at the wall blankly for about a half hour earlier... I decided to go to see Mollie where she works.

I mean, here is the problem.

How much is too much? Too little? How much effort do I put forth to show that I am still interested, but how do I avoid putting too much? I really don't want to put any pressure on her... not at all. I'm not like that. However, I don't want to end up permanently in the cursed "Friend Zone".

She is a special girl and it would be a personal tragedy on my behalf to give up on her. Part of "Plan X" is to show her how special she is and how much she means to me. Best case scenario - she falls for me down the line somewhere.

Alright. That is just being hopeful. Maybe not even realistic. I just have to try.

Yesterday, I bought her a single long-stem rose for Sweetest Day and brought it up to her work. Tonight I went and saw her. Tomorrow night we are going to play pool (To make up for last week when she cancelled).

*Sigh* When I saw her tonight... I was glowing inside, although faded a bit...

The way she moves, looks at me... the way she talks.... Just beautiful.

... here we go again.

Argh.

All I can do is hope. Live my life... worry about the things I have to worry about... and hope. Because I really want this... moreso than I have even remotely wanted to be with someone in a very long time...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:56 PM [ comment.]

A villain for my ambition
A hero for my beliefs
Revolutionary to change the world
but slave to my elusive deity
and a working-class aristocrat.
All of these things I am
trying to find the means
to justify my end.

no opiates
no stimulants-
this burden
must be carried
uninterrupted
-uncorrupted
i will bear it clear
for all of you
to know
you'll never be alone again

every breath vengeance
every awakening, defiance
a battle
never to be fought
but destined
to be won.

the bastard offspring
of love and hate
know
there's fight in me yet

even when I'm happy
I'm sad
God tell me-
why it's always raining inside
why everything
is a shade of grey
sometime
you will give me answers

even in this apathy disease
that i cannot seem to shake
you saved me once-
but i want to care once more

someday
tempting fate
all of the
roullette chances will go flat
all of the possibilities
will finally align
only for me to
turn my back on you
as you did
when i needed you the most

hit the ground running
tracing chalklines with anesthesia
perished, these late nights
coming apart at the seams...


*Mollie*
(I wrote this while waiting for her the first time we went out)
waiting
waiting
wanting you
to walk through that door
hoping you can
make me believe again
-in anything

(... and when I got home)
a long time
since I felt like I was glowing inside
a long time
since my heart felt like it could fly
trying not to get ahead of myself
even though
my heart is skipping beats

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:19 AM [ comment.]

This morning I had the other half of my wisdom teeth removed. It took twice as long, and twice as much effort to pull them out... but right now I am in half the pain I was in the first time around. Already munching on the PizzaPopolis that we got last night in Detroit. Guess I will see how I feel tomorrow.

* * *

Everything since the concert has been a blur.

"It's kind of like when you really want a football team to win... and when they don't (snaps fingers) you feel bad, but realize that there is nothing you could do."

... "And I was really rooting for myself"

... I haven't talked to Mollie since. I am wondering if I should maybe get her a rose or something tomorrow for sweetest day.

I have become really lost when it comes to her. I don't know what to do, or not do. Every option seems wrong. Not taking an option seems wrong.

... I think I will just call her tomorrow and tell her happy sweetest day. Her move after that.

* * *


Saw "The Ring" tonight. Fairly creepy movie. Would have made a great date movie...

* * *

Speaking of which... I think I have a "blind" double date tomrrow... one of my classmates is trying to hook me up. I guess I have decided to not screen so much on who I choose to meet or not. "I'll meet anyone, but I cannot guarantee that I will still be standing there in 10 minutes."

* * *

I think I am going to publish everything that I have written in the past few weeks. From revenge, to Mollie, and back to square one.

Song of the moment "Losing Grip" by Avril Lavigne - "Why should I care?"

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:47 PM [ comment.]

It feels good to shower and wash off last night.

The gel in my hair.... that staining of cigarette smoke that comes with ever concert.

* * *

Right now I am not as heartbroken as I was last night, or even this morning. I just have that emotional kick-in-the-stomach feeling of disappointment. I am not sure where to go from here. At work today it just hit me a constant stream of "Aw man, that sucks" waves...

Going over it in my head. Looking for flaws... for what went wrong.

If last night were a football game, they would have freeze-framed it right when I started to say "So do I get to kiss you...." and would have commented something like this:

"Right here, Bob." (You know when they have replays and they draw on the screen to point something out?) Well right here they would have said something like "This is where John should have just kept his stupid mouth shut."

Not that the outcome would have been any different. Nothing would have changed. However, I would have been able to sit through Underworld without that deep-gut feeling of rejection. That shock. Where you expect one thing, and the exact opposite happens. (Kind of like when all I wanted to hear from Madonna was "I love you" and she left me)

* * *

Nothing went wrong. Well, with my plans they did... but I still cannot fault her in any way for this. If I did, it would make me selfish, and a hypocrite.

Do I try though? Do I even bother? All of this seems like bad timing. Maybe a month, few months, year or so down the road. Perhaps things would be different, maybe not. I just can't wait for someone like I have in the past. You wait and wait for things to turn around, for them to change their mind. It just never happens.

I love spending time with her. It is kind of frustrating... but that is exactly what will pass...

Time.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:13 PM [ comment.]

"Just for the record" I say to her. "It sucks to be me"

Sucks to be me - After all, this is the record.

* * *

I went to the UNDERWORLD show tonight with Mollie... I am sure they were great but my heart wasn't into it.

"So do I get to kiss you again or was that a one-time thing?" I said... trying to lay on some charm and get some sugar at the same time.

Yay on the charm. Nay on the sugar.

The other shoe drops. She doesn't want a relationship right now...

After that week of absolute storybook perfection... The perfect girl, the perfect song on the radio that night, the perfect first kiss...

I should have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is what I should have been doing. What I WAS doing was falling for her. Falling for her in a way that I didn't think was possible anymore for me.

Mollie is beautiful, so much so that sometimes it hurts to look at her. When I am with her, even when I merely think of her... I just get all stupid inside. No girl in the past few years has ever come close to that, let alone surpass any of my expectations. I didn't go look for it, either. It just happened.

I remember telling Joe a LONG time ago that it would take someone special to "Knock me over the head" and make me want to care again. She does that.

It is just unfortunate that the second I open my heart to someone.... even a little bit... It gets broken. Again.

* * *

And now I am torn. I can't blame her for not wanting to be with me right now. I can't because when I broke up with Madonna I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. Nothing. And that lasted YEARS. In all honesty my relationship with Madonna pales in comparison to hers... which was 5 years... and only ended a month or so ago. Mollie, as well as my last real relationship... ended badly.

So I can't blame her.

On the other hand. Am I just supposed to give up on a girl like Mollie? Am I just supposed to write off the way she makes me feel? Or is she doomed to be another Ann Marie, Margarita, etc. I don't want that with her!

* * *

I have to do something, one way or another.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:40 AM [ comment.]

... we kiss. A few times.
"I didn't ask for that, either" I say quietly.
"You took it" She says.
...
Touche' I think.

* * *

Most of the time, I can just go and go and go and go. I have been living on 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep a night for OVER THE PAST YEAR. In the last four days I managed to get about 4 hours total.

And I crashed last night... hard. I was in my practical class doing scenarios... and I just froze. FROZE. My mind went blank and I couldn't think. Actually, the only thought that I had was the fact that I hadn't been able to think at all in the past four days. I couldn't focus on anything. So I just stood up and said "I can't do this". Walked outside for some air, and finished the class just watching everyone else.

Mollie was supposed to come over and watch LOTR with me last night. I didn't hear from her. Maybe she called, probably not. I got in bed at 8:30pm and woke up 9 hours later for work. I really needed that. Everything has been clear today. It's nice to be able to focus and THINK again.

Why do they always do this to me? Thinking back over every girl I have dated in forever... I don't hear from them the day after we first kiss.

Which leads to doubt, of course. Like they KNOW that it's driving me crazy...

...Ah well, I will call her tonight.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:35 PM [ comment.]

... I go to leave.
She thanks me for coming over, and hugs me. I don't hug back, I just stand there with her arms around me.
"I don't want a hug" I say to her.
She pulls away.
"What do you want?" She replies, looking at me.
I just look back at her...
... and she leans in.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:32 AM [ comment.]

For everything I have written in the past year...

I can't find the words to say to her. I really cannot.

"Do I make you nervous?" she says. I concede to that. Right now - I'm Fumbling I say back.

A dictionary without words.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:47 PM [ comment.]

I'm falling for her.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:08 AM [ comment.]

I just got back from going out with Mollie... I had a great time.

all I can really say is... She's beautiful...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:27 AM [ comment.]