Today a spark of creativity hit me while walking to class... It may sound kind of dark and bitter... Bear with me. Alot of my thoughts over the past year have been trying to draw the parallels between love and religion. It's a dark place.

It's really hard to explain... Just some way that some people make me feel (or have felt)... Sometimes I feel forsaken or abandoned. I long for love much in the same way that people fear and respect God. Don't get me wrong. I AM NOT A RELIGIOUS PERSON. Well... not in the traditional sense.

Why do I feel like I am digging a hole with all of this? Oh well here goes...


virtual purgatory
this indestructible place
where i can't seem to make a dent
or a difference-
I look forward to being a martyr

...

climbing the symbols
longing to be one of them
i have no problem crucifying myself
but i cannot seem to get the last nail.

...

i have resurrected so many times
it doesn't hurt to die
reinvented myself so many times
i have forgotten who i am
my only identity
is change
evolution
adaptation
preservation

...

my i told you so's
are your damnation
my forgiveness
your salvation
your apology
will be your repentance
forsaken as you are
your prayers will fall upon deaf ears.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:52 PM [ comment.]

Today everything just crashed....

Between work, school (2nd day), studying, my wisdom teeth being pulled (and the medication) .... everything just came through and wiped me out.

I need a hug.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:54 PM [ comment.]

Shoot me in the head with rubber bullets.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:47 PM [ comment.]

Well... they took out HALF of my wisdom teeth on Friday. The right half.

Why only half? Well for one I was running late to the appointment.... and two because it took forever to get just one side out. The other two are going to be pulled in October... I have already made the appointment.

Something else happened.

When I walked in, I immediately recognized Sarah's mother. Apparently she was some kind of receptionist there. There was a quick exchange of eye contact... I could see the recognition in her eyes but I paid it no mind. I looked away and soon I was with the surgeon.

Afterwards... when I had to make my appointment for October, GUESS WHO takes it? Her mom. The only thing that was really said that wasn't wisdom teeth related was when she asked me "Do you remember me?" - Now... I don't have many fond memories of her... but I just said "Yes" without any emotion in my voice whatsoever.

Now the weird part. I could tell that she wanted to mention Sarah somehow. Like a "Want to know how Sarah is doing?" or "Sarah is doing this, that, etc." but I gave off the notion of not wanting to know. It was all a mental exchange, really. A conversation that never really took place, except in our heads. I would have said "No." anyway.

Not that I don't care about what is going on with Sarah. I do, really. However anything her mother would have told me would just add undue stress to my life, which I have made it a point to avoid. Her telling me that she is married, kids, etc.... wouldn't help this little niche of an emotional buffer that I have carved out for myself... to get by. Part of me wanted to ask about her.... or say "Say hi to Sarah for me" or something like that. What would that accomplish?

Maybe I am the only person who really thinks about this but I kind of wish that all of these people kept a journal like this so I could peer into their lives and see what is going on without having to expend the effort in the "Real" world. Just some kind of objective... wait. Scratch that because none of these people are anonymous to me.... as much as I want some of them to be. I guess it would be nice to look, but in turn I am sure I would feel hurt somewhere in there.

Ever just want to know?

But back to undue stress...

Many people have fallen victim to this. Regardless of my current relationship status with them. Sarah, Margarita, Ann Marie... etc. I won't let myself feel that way about them any more. Perhaps never again. Why should I? Honestly it isn't their faults.... most of the possibilites they provided were just in my head anyways... sometimes reassured, prodded... but nothing was every concrete. I cannot blame them for that.

My point? In the future I just have to avoid similar situations. I have to take things for what they are, as opposed to what they COULD BE.

...

Anyway. My teeth really don't hurt now. A bit uncomfortable... nothing more. I must admit that I am slightly disappointed in the prescription that was assigned. A generic equivalent to VICADIN ES. From what I gathered in all of my experience of other people getting their wisdom teeth yanked.... most of them seemed pretty out of it with whatever drug they were given. For days at a time.

It didn't do much for me with the exception of what it was meant to do - keep my mouth from hurting. Which it is doing well enough.

So, not that I have hardly any experience with drugs whatsoever.... needless to say I am not impressed.

Other than that I am fine... I have been eating solid foods all weekend (albeit carefully)... hopefully this will all be cleared up soon....

...

School started and I must say that I enjoyed the class very much. So much so that I am interested in pursuing a good grade, so I can go on and get my EMT-b certification. So I can quit my shitty window job that I can't stand anymore. I guess money can only do so much for me before the line is drawn... and boy is it... I am looking to get out and be an EMT sometime around the beginning of next year.

...

Besides all of that - I really do wish I had a girlfriend. It's just not killing me anymore to find one.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:37 AM [ comment.]

I guess this is the traditional end-of-summer post.

...

I have the new UNDERWORLD album "Hundred Days Off" - It doesn't arrive in stores until September 24th (I will buy it anyway) . It is pretty good. At first listen nothing really stands out... It all kind of blends together. And, in a way... that is kind of a bad thing. I think that Emerson leaving UW took something with him. There is no song like "Pearl's Girl" or "Dirty Epic" or "Born Slippy"... But, it's good. A few songs that have worked their way into my head are "Two Months Off", "Sola System", and "Dinosaur Adventure 3d". Great backgound music though.... something to have on while playing on the computer, or driving...

...

Last weekend was pretty fun.

Friday - We went to gameworks. Alot of people pulled out at the last minute... but Noel, my roomates, and Ann Marie went. Noel sang in karaoke contest... (Rapper's Delight) and promptly had his ass handed to him OUT OF NOWHERE by this old woman. It was nice to hang out with my friends like that... playing games... I got instantly addicted to DDR (dance dance revolution)... after a game I had the whole concept down.

Ann Marie... I think she wrote herself off "The list" that night... unfortunately on the way there. Her boyfriend is moving in with her... so I presume to have the answer of how serious their relationship is. Ah well looking back most of it was wishful thinking anyway. It always is. Needless to say, it was a long, quiet ride home. I love hanging out with the girl, so I guess all this means is that I have to keep things in perspective, and look at her to be just a friend.

I always seem to pick the ones that I cannot have... Ann Marie, Margarita... etc.

Saturday - I went to a company party (Invite only), did some school shopping.
Sunday - I hung out with my friends.

...

My last 2 computer parts arrived via UPS today. My video card and my red cathode light. Now it is all complete... So, here is how my computer finally turned out.

CPU - Athlon XP 1800+ (1.53ghz)
RAM - 512mb
Video Card - Gainward Golden Sample geforce4 ti4200 128mb (overclocked to a ti4400)
Sound Card - Soundblaster Live! 5.1 sound card
Hard Drive - 40gb Western Digital 7200rpm
Cdrom - Creative Labs 52x
Burner - HP 4x
Equalizer - NewQ Gold DSP

My case speaks for itself.... Lian Li aluminum... now 2 red neon lights... a clear side panel with a biohazard etching.

So, my computer is done... not sure what else I could put in it... the reason why I spent so much on it this summer... basically because I wanted to spend the money while I had it. School is coming up and all.... and I need to have some money to put aside for that. Things worked out well though.

...

So what knowledge did I gain in hindsight to this summer? I don't know really.... I worked my ass off... and I can see where alot of the money went. Things were wrapped up with the women in my life... At least to a point where there is a definate line.

I am looking forward to going to school tomorrow. I can't want to actually be sitting in a class... with people that I don't know. I am going to work really hard to make this Firefighter thing happen....

I am nervous though...

...

Things are good. I can honestly say that.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:51 PM [ comment.]

R.I.P. Dave Williams (1974-2002) , Lead singer of Drowning Pool. It is unfortunate... because I was just starting to like their music. "Tear Away" is a great song.

...

Song of the day (Maybe of the summer) - "It's a good life if you don't weaken" by the Tragically Hip

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:24 PM [ comment.]

I can barely keep my eyes open.

My body is trained to be well asleep by now. Tonight I am refusing it.... at least to jot some thoughts down. For one, I realized that I don't really think about Madonna anymore. I mean... I can't see her face anymore... I can't get the details straight unless I really try. Most of the random thoughts are just random flashes of... sex, and other things pertaining to the moment. She was the last person I loved... and as much as I have disregarded her... and as I burned every last physical link.... Even though the sharpness fades.... it remains.

...

Where did my life quit meaning anything? Everything seems so bland nowadays. No more brokenhearted John. No more lament, no more whining. I dunno, maybe I am just panicking before school starts next week... I dread it, but deep in my heart I am looking forward to it. To meeting new people, and advancing my life.

Because, that is what's important, isn't it?

...

Lately, I have been pondering the question... as I look back... "Am I stronger or weaker?" Everything points to stronger... as I am sure all of you would agree. I have been hardened, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

On the other hand... All of my views on love and relationships have been trashed.... in that sense I feel weaker. I feel vulnerable... after everything I went through... the whole war in my heart... I don't have any defenses left. I don't have the fight in me anymore. I am a scared little boy when it comes to love. I am afraid of it... and as much as I desire it... I have taken every aspect of it out of my life.

All of the baggage is gone. All of my undue stress is gone. But what have I sacrificed in the process?

...

I have learned that my heart and body are two different things" - It's true. All of my relationships have been meaningless in the past few years... it was never their fault, it was all me. Most of the time it was just sex... and my heart was never into it. I loathed the people for being there as I was freefalling. I would say that I was just lost in myself... but I knew what I was doing the whole time... and I hated myself for that. Never again will anything like that happen. I am not that person anymore.

I just want something real. Honestly... the only REAL possibility is Ann Marie. I have given in to the notion that I have feelings for her. I do NOT cross the line with her. I think she is worth waiting for if she ever breaks up with her bf... Who I know sees it. She is oblivious I think... however he is not. He sees right through my facade.

Yes, I am attracted to you. Somehow I want to let her know... as if that would make any difference. On 89x radio the other day they were having the discussion about whether a male and female could be "Just friends"... I would have to say the answer is no.... Looking back, I can't see anyone who I wasn't attracted to... at least on the surface.

But getting to know her... just makes me want to know more. Then there is the line. Now, there is no harm in LOOKING over the line... just don't make the mistake of stepping over it. I don't want to screw up the friendship we have now... nor the possibility for more in the future. I have done some prodding the last few times I have seen her... just to see where I stand.

... Now I feel like an idiot. This all seems like some grand plan I guess... but in reality I have to just wait and watch.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just kissed her... Out of nowhere....

Would she kiss me back (Out of nowhere?)... Would she freak out and that would be it between us? Would she want to kiss me back but yet be another person who sacrifices their heart for familiarity? (Lori).

I guess I just don't know... And who knows if I ever will.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:46 AM [ comment.]

About my weekend.

1. We achieved LOTR on dvd a few days early... thank Noel.

2. The Allen Park street fair... I don't really have the words to describe it. There were only 3 people who I ran into... Kevin from the comics store, Nikki Kubisiak, and the only person from my (1996) class, Doug Menzer. We caught up a bit... Overall... as opposed to last year... it just seemed like an... epilogue.

3. The computer thing fell through, well, at least it was postponed until this weekend. There is a huge show in Novi... Going to hit that up. I think instead of getting a flat panel monitor (I really really want one)... Instead I might upgrade my video card, maybe my processor... maybe even another stick of RAM. I have a few people in line to have me build their computers... so the next few weeks should be a interesting to say the least.

4. SIGNS - wow. The movie kept me on edge the whole time. I really got into it. and I didn't sleep that night... I was so tense. Wow. Great movie. The basement part was crazy.

5. I bought new earrings (they hurt after not being in for a few months)... got a haircut...

...

So, not much is going on this week, save for the show this weekend... XXX comes out on friday... probably going to see that. We have a huge trip planned to go to GAMEWORKS the following friday (August 16th)... I am organizing it... It will be a long weekend for me, which is good because it is the last ounce of "freedom" I have before going back to school on the 22nd. Oh, and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled on the 23rd... fun. I am taking another long weekend after that.

So... summer is coming to a close... but it's not over yet.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:31 PM [ comment.]

Finally, July is over. That month seemed to go on forever.

August... ahhhh.... so much going on in August.

I have registered for classes... they start on the 22nd. A TON of dvds come out this month :). And *sigh* my wisdom teeth are going to get pulled on the 23rd. So, for the next few weeks I am going to enjoy myself. Starting tomorrow... I get paid... yay.

This weekend

1. Lord of the Rings comes out on dvd.
2. It is the Allen Park street fair (always a spiritual experience)
3. I am putting together a computer for my uncle
4. SIGNS comes out in theaters.

So I have things to do... oh, that and work the next 2 days.

...

I talked to Margarita on the phone today... and I finally pinpointed what gets me about her. Jealousy... plain and simple. Which is odd to me because we aren't dating. Margarita is bad for me... it is not her fault. I have feelings for her, and I can't have her. Somewhere in there things go bad... because I don't feel right talking to her anymore. Let alone spending time with her. She has her own life, and I have mine.

I can't stand anyone she dates, and I cannot stand any of her ex's. She insists on hanging out with them... being friends (I guess I just don't understand... I don't have ANY contact with my ex's) - therefore I can't be around her. She just makes me feel bad. In a way that I can't put into words. Loathing? Whatever it is... it isn't positve.

I just get this hurt feeling every time I think about her. In my stomach.

For example. We talked on the phone earlier today. I couldn't talk because I had someone else in the car... so I got off the phone. I called her back after dropping this person off... and all of a sudden she couldn't talk. When I inquired what she was doing - "I'm just (pause) chillin"... I got this sense that she wasn't alone. My stomach turned. She promised to call me back. Just the thought....

So what does that mean? Why does this girl make me feel this way? Am I the bad guy here?

I don't think I can ever be truly a "friend" to her until I find a girlfriend. I am not sure how long that is going to take to happen either. I should just quit calling her... take some time off... let some time pass. See what happens. Now is not a good time for me to be dealing with her.

...

sigh. I am really looking forward to school starting. Getting out there, meeting new people.... something.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:10 PM [ comment.]