Whew.

I just got back from rollerblading for about a 1/2 hour. It is hot in my room... and I am sweating.

I must be in better shape... that would have killed me a year ago. I am kind of pissed that my weight has stabilized... (178lbs) - but I guess I can't complain. I think that is I am supposed to weigh... Maybe I will lose a bit more this summer...I was 210lbs a year ago. All of that depression, laziness... took its toll. So I guess getting out of the old basement, and busting my ass for a year has paid off. I am MUCH stronger.

These days are long and hot... installing windows in the sun everyday does something to you. Sometimes it kind of sucks... but oh well. I don't mind it that much.

...

My NEXTEL phone came in the mail today... looking forward to SPOOP BOOPING my friends.

...

Kim has contacted me on YAHOO IM lately. It is so weird to think of what our "relationship" was well over a year ago now. Now she is married, has a kid... It blows my mind. She did say something to me though when I gave her the update on my life (It being neutral, not really going anywhere) - she said "Well do you think I knew I was going to be here a year ago?" Or something like that. I guess it just goes to show that things can change, and quickly.

And, it is just that... that keeps me going. Faith in life... faith in the possiblity of things changing.

...

Regardless, I am still utterly disinterested in everything right now. I am dabbling in NEVERWINTER NIGHTS. I have my new phone/toy that will get activated tomorrow hopefully.

Just... nothing replaces having someone I guess. All of these material things... in all the ways I haven't denied myself any impulse in the past year... It can't even begin to replace what I have had... what I want.

...


There is no going back now -
an ending for me
A beginning for both of us
talking of things we know are never going to happen
we say our
silent goodbyes

Give me a heartbeat
give me a pulse
show me I'm still alive
somehow.
you are dead to me
as I am dead to the world-
or is the world dead to me?

Overcome
in my apathy
still spouting
revelry-
I may wake up
in the morning
but I never really breathe.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:11 PM [ comment.]

Sometimes things happen. They happen and they make you think.

I went to go see MINORITY REPORT (3 stars) on friday night. We thought the show started at 7pm, but it ended up starting at 8pm. I was supposed to go out with Margarita afterward. I didn't know how long the movie was going to be... it ended up being 2 and a half hours long. Which means we got out around 10:30pm. So I check my voicemail, and she says to call her. I do so. Now, I have to work the next morning... So I would have to get up in about 6 hours from that time. She wants me to drive out to Pontiac to go to a club with her (1/2 hour drive)... I tell her it is to late for me, and invite her to come over and watch a movie...

"I'm not going to spend my friday night watching a MOVIE"

When she said that I took the phone away from my ear for a second, held it at my side... My thumb instinctively hanging over the button to hang up. I was kind of insulted, really. After that there was an uncomfortable silence, again. I didn't really have anything to say to her. I could feel her getting angry, and soon the conversation was over.

Sorry if what I do for fun is hang out and watch a movie... Or go TO the movies. It is my hobby, and what I like to do. It relaxes me. It is one of my interests.

She likes to go out and party, get trashed, etc. Which is fine, I don't really have anything against that... it's just not my bag, baby. To each his (or her) own. Her idea of "fun" is on the other end of the spectrum...

I just remember the days when she wasn't to good to come and hang out with her "friend" Johnny and lay around, watch a few movies, talk... etc. Now I get the feeling that we are losing more and more of what we have in common. I have to admit, as much as I care about the girl... and I really do... She either isn't the same Margarita that she was a few years ago, or I just never fully realized the person she is.

She's beautiful... I can't stop saying that, or thinking it, or even feeling it. I just cannot help looking at her and... I don't really know how to say it. Maybe I am just getting older... and starting to look at things differently. And to her credit, she is a few years younger than I... so I should cut her some slack. I just want what is best for her...

For some reason I just have no problem seeing right through people. They are transparent to me... and this is both a gift and a curse.

... speaking of in common.

I went to a wedding "reception" for my father's side of the family. My cousin Tonya got married... she has always been cool with me. However I just felt out of place. I don't know what it was... I love them - being my family and all... I just felt so seperate. I am not saying that I am better or anything, or too good... I just felt different. I guess, for good or bad... I don't really see them that much. I used to be around them all the time when I was younger.

Maybe some part of growing up means growing apart from people.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:00 AM [ comment.]

hola.

After a few nerve-wracking days... My mom is okay... The surgery went well, and now she is all doped up on percocet (sp?) and other various painkillers. I am so relieved. I was really worried.

...

Shakira is the hottest woman on the planet. She is on the cover of the new MAXIM... and I have to read it. Now.

So, see ya.

***

Song of the moment: "Ready Steady Go" by Paul Oakenfold

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 7:13 PM [ comment.]

Come on. Keep it together John.

...

I went to go see "The Bourne Identity" yesterday... It was a pretty good movie... That is not really the point though.

As I left the theater, I turned my cell phone back on (always have it off in theaters)... When I looked down at it - I just got a feeling of dread all of a sudden. To the point where my heart was racing, and I started to shake. I was trying to stay coherant... Trying to get my head straight. Trying not to give in to the urge to cry as I panic and call everyone in my family.

I call the house... no answer.
I call my mom's cell phone... Finally someone... My mom is okay, my dad is okay... Chelsie is okay.... I cut the conversation short...
I call Jamie's house... She is okay... Logan is fine...

Meanwhile I am in the back of Joe's car, trying to keep it together.... He and his (whatever she is) never know. I breathe a sigh of relief... For now.

...

My mom goes in for major neck surgery tomorrow. She has been messed up since the accident a while ago... I have tried to not think about it... She will have alot of people there to support her (I will be at work because I hate hospitals). Today we had a Father's Day/Wish Mom well party at her house... Even though I rarely leave the house on Sunday's... I went...

They have told her that she could lose her voice, or even her life... And she is taking it suprisingly well...

....

It's killing me that I had to have such a feeling yesterday... Just telling myself over and over it wasn't a premonition... It was like feeling empty... Right now I am choking back tears trying to type this... I haven't cried in forever. I love my mother so much...

and I'm so scared.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:19 AM [ comment.]

When we got to SPACE on friday night around 11pm or so, and it was pretty dead for about an hour... then at about midnight the place exploded. I am not really sure what the capacity is there, but I think that there were 400 or so people too many. You couldn't even move.

I don't know what it was, but I was pretty disinterested that night. It's not that I didn't want to be there... Something just wasn't right. I just wasn't into it like I normally am. SPACE was the last bastion of "club hope" that I possessed. I was really hoping to meet someone, or at least run into some people that I knew there. Neither happened.

Everytime I go, I realize more and more that I don't belong there. I have nothing against the clubs themselves (well, some I do)... however I am just not like anyone there. It's just not for me anymore.

My club days are over I think.

...

Margarita went with us that night. Things were "back to normal" to a point, although I felt uneasy around her. She looked great, and for the most part I had to look for an excuse to take my eyes off of her. I would leave and walk around by myself... just to take everything in, and think. People watching was getting old. I danced a bit even though the music wasn't that good. I won't say I was having a bad time, but I wasn't having a good time either. I was just feeling neutral. I was just, there.

We ended up leaving around 1:30am or so. I could barely keep my eyes open. Margarita ended up spending the night (Nothing happened, we are friends, remember)... I got home around 2am, and had to get up around 5am to go to work. I did get up on time, and actually was coherant throughout the day.

...

Saturday, Nykanen and I went to B. Boomer's in Allen Park to watch the Red Wings game... It is a sports bar, and although I am not a HUGE wings fan like the people there, I enjoyed myself. Looking forward to going back tomorrow night, or Thursday. I had fun.

...

Neutral. I don't think any word describes my demeanor better. The bad times may be behind me (most of the time), but there aren't alot of good times, either. None on the horizon it seems as well.

I just feel as though I need to find a "niche". Somewhere different to go, something different to do, perhaps even different people to do it with.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:33 AM [ comment.]

Work.

I would write about work, but I don't really think about it when I'm not there. I just feel like I have to clarify that. I don't have anything against who I work with... it's just that I don't think about them when I am not there. Nykanen and I used to discuss our jobs all the time, but I have grown tired of it. Quickly the "threshold of talking about work" is reached, and that's it.

As I have said before, I am not my job.

...

So what else is going on. Not much really... spending alot of time working on the Star Wars thing.

This Friday we are all going to SPACE... I haven't been there in a while and I am looking forward to it.

Other than that, not much else is going on at all.

...

I am glad that May is over.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:24 PM [ comment.]