let me fall into this song forever
because I don't ever want this moment to end
my eyes dark
unclosed
we are both here
our gaze locked
and
nothing else matters
there is no one else in the world but us
it's all burning
all falling apart and i don't give a damn
because right now
you are my world

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:36 PM [ comment.]

Margarita and I have patched things up. Part of our friendship has died, but I think another part has been born.

I just wish I could bring myself to say the things that I need to say.

Song of the moment "Sunshower" by Chris Cornell

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:20 PM [ comment.]

My site just achieved 10,000 hits. That is crazy.

...

I am in a rare state of emotion right now. I am trying to feel everything and nothing at the same time. It warms my heart to hit a milestone such as that.

Why do I do it? What is the purpose behind all of this?

I guess I just want to scream out into the world. I want to scream and see what happens. Imagine an echo answering you. There has been a good amount of feedback... most good, a few negative. I don't have an ego or anything... I just write what I feel, trying to be honest with myself, and the world to some degree.

I just want to reach ONE person. If I can help anyone, then it makes it all worth it.

There have been some things that have literally saved my life. Music mostly. I wouldn't be here there wasn't someone reaching out to try and help. To let me know that other people feel the same way. To let me know that I am not alone, no matter how abandoned I feel at times.

... and I guess I just want to return the favor.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:18 PM [ comment.]

I talked to Laina (zen) about what happened this weekend... she wouldn't let me cave into my doubt.

deaDpixeL> hi
zenpizza> hi
zenpizza> so whats up?
deaDpixeL> i dunno
zenpizza> yes you do
deaDpixeL> it's hitting me all of a sudden...
deaDpixeL> i don't know if i did the right thing
deaDpixeL> ...
deaDpixeL> i just threw a 3+ year friendship away...
deaDpixeL> because i can't handle how she makes me feel anymore...
deaDpixeL> and instead of waiting for her to hurt me
deaDpixeL> i have hit the eject button.
zenpizza> well john, you have to listen to yourself, inside you know if you did the right thing
deaDpixeL> how can i love someone and push them so far away?
deaDpixeL> at the same time?
zenpizza> because love hurts, and you've had enough hurt i think,...all you can do is decide if its worth more hurt
deaDpixeL> i don't think i can take it.
deaDpixeL> and it was inevitable... so in my head i did the right thing...
deaDpixeL> but
deaDpixeL> my heart is broken.
deaDpixeL> and i am panicking
zenpizza> don't panic...you made a choice, and you made it for the right reasons...it will all turn out okay
deaDpixeL> i mean
deaDpixeL> part of me thinks i could just stay her friend... and try and repair what happened
deaDpixeL> but
deaDpixeL> i would just go back to being slowly torn apart on the inside
zenpizza> but then the same thing would just happen all over again
deaDpixeL> laina
zenpizza> if there were some way to break that cycle then it would all be good but if there isnt
zenpizza> ...
zenpizza> what?
deaDpixeL> is this the way it's going to be forever?
zenpizza> oh john...you're gonna make me cry...
deaDpixeL> am i just going to bail on everyone who gets past my defenses?
deaDpixeL> don't.
deaDpixeL> i don't let anyone in anymore...
deaDpixeL> she was already in my heart before i stopped caring...
deaDpixeL> and maybe that is why i think i love her, because she was the only one left standing.
deaDpixeL> and now that she's gone
deaDpixeL> ...
deaDpixeL> i just don't know.
zenpizza> you have to be one of the ones left standing too..now that she is gone your going to go to?...that doesnt make any sense
deaDpixeL> no
deaDpixeL> i just feel so alone sometimes.
deaDpixeL> and that it is going to be that way forever
deaDpixeL> and i will never get back to a place where i could breathe without sighing inside
zenpizza> no its not john, it can't be...
deaDpixeL> i feel so cold for just writing her off like this.
deaDpixeL> she doesn't even know.
deaDpixeL> what happened.
deaDpixeL> i hope that someday she will piece it all together.
zenpizza> well then you need to give her some closure...but if you don't know yet then dont do anything drastic until you understand it all yourself
deaDpixeL> but i don't want her to regret.
deaDpixeL> i can't
zenpizza> its not really fair to leave it all to her to piece together
deaDpixeL> i don't think i can ever look in her eyes again.
deaDpixeL> let alone do it and tell her everything.
deaDpixeL> she hates me now, anyway.
zenpizza> but its not completely your fault
zenpizza> its hardly even partially your fault
deaDpixeL> maybe it is
zenpizza> is it just that you are taking it all upon yourself again?
deaDpixeL> maybe i should have just shut up and taken it
zenpizza> no actually...
deaDpixeL> i can't place the blame on her, or all of it
zenpizza> nor can you do that to yourself
deaDpixeL> she just doesn't know.
zenpizza> why does there have to be blame?
deaDpixeL> and i have never told her fully... because i know what would happen
deaDpixeL> there doesn't
zenpizza> what would happen?
deaDpixeL> i don't blame her, but I am making this decision, so if there is any blame, regardless of how small
deaDpixeL> it is on me
deaDpixeL> she would just say "i don't want to screw up what we have"
deaDpixeL> or "i don't want to hurt you"
deaDpixeL> funny
deaDpixeL> because i just did both to her
deaDpixeL> ...
deaDpixeL> she just crossed a line with me
zenpizza> that's ridiculous...those to phrases are just cop outs...they allow you not to feel anything real and then when your confronted you can say...well i told you didnt i?
deaDpixeL> i hate her ex
deaDpixeL> for how he treated her... and now i feel as though i am doing worse... abandoning her.
deaDpixeL> i don't think she feels the same way about me, as i do about her
deaDpixeL> i was never sure
deaDpixeL> it's always there, then not
zenpizza> no you're not!...you did what you felt was right at the time...that is all we have, its part of the human condition that people ignore too often
deaDpixeL> i don't know what is worse - living with or without her
deaDpixeL> because i am resenting myself for both lately
deaDpixeL> and
deaDpixeL> i am resenting her
deaDpixeL> for not knowing, or wanting to know how i feel
zenpizza> well im not hearing anything positive about this relationship yet
deaDpixeL> she was my best friend
zenpizza> why?
deaDpixeL> one of the only people i could talk to
deaDpixeL> someone to come over and lay around and watch movies
zenpizza> but you cant talk to her enough to tell her how you really feel
deaDpixeL> no
deaDpixeL> well, sorta
zenpizza> is that not a sign of infatuation
deaDpixeL> i have aluded to it
deaDpixeL> then i get the "i don't want to hurt you", etc.
zenpizza> aluded to it with no reciprocation?
deaDpixeL> she knows
deaDpixeL> that i have feelings for her.
zenpizza> well do you see how that is not healthy?
deaDpixeL> yes.
deaDpixeL> for me.
zenpizza> maybe on some subconscious level you don't really want this...
deaDpixeL> yeah
deaDpixeL> i don't know if i could handle dating her.
deaDpixeL> being with her.
zenpizza> it wouldnt make sense...you would conflict
deaDpixeL> *sigh*'
zenpizza> so really, your intuition is telling you that you dont need this and you can do better...yet your mind is not allowing you to believe it
zenpizza> so like ive told you before you need to lose you mind
deaDpixeL> perhaps.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:09 PM [ comment.]

REASON MY WEEKEND SUCKED - PART 2 (prequel) - CANADA and IDIOCRACY

Look, I don't have a problem with Canada as a country. I really don't.

But from my 23 year-old American perspective... it is just pointless to go over there anymore.

Let me start at the beginning.

Friday night around 9pm we cross the Ambassador bridge... a bit of a wait but not a huge problem. Now I was looking hella good with my new outfit, haircut... etc. I was in a good mood.

My cousin and I, as well as 2 girls went. Sarah and Andrea. Both were cool, good looking (for white girls, LOL - jk)... I think that my cousin Don was trying to hook me up with Sarah.

We go to a club called WIRED, and wait around for a while. There is a hip-hop floor, and a techno floor above... so I was happy. But as soon as people started to really show up, we LEAVE. Grrr. Afterward we go to another club (which is pretty much like every other club over there that I despise) called DANTE'S. 10 minutes after we walk in the door I am freezing (they left the doors open, pretty much making them a wind tunnel). About one minute after that Sarah is grabbed my some random guy (Those random guys who have no respect for women) - and they procede not to break body contact for oh, say the next 4 hours... Andrea is off limits to me - Don is trying to hook up to her. She doesn't seem to be having it at all (I could tell by her body language).

So, abandoned... I wander around for a few hours... people watching. I am not having that bad a time, considering the fact that I am pretty much alone. I catch a few glimpses of Sarah making out with this guy, and I could swear I saw her pulling away. All of a sudden I look down and I am a knight in shining armor... I stoll over and ask if she is okay...

And she says "Yes".

I swear I could feel my armor grow rusty and CLAAAANNNGG to the ground around me.

It dawned on me. At that minute I lost interest in being there. I know why, too. As I have said before, I am not looking to hook up with a girl from a club.

Because I don't want a girl who is easy. I don't want a girl who is making out with some random guy 15 minutes after she meets him. I could never be that guy, so I don't really belong.

Previously, I purchased some glow-stuff for everyone who went (even though half of it worked) - I was wearing a necklace. What the hell, I figured we were going to a techno type of place, either that or at the very least it could turn into conversation piece.

Which it did. As the night was winding down I was approached by some *drunk* girl. Even though I didn't find her remotely attractive, I gave her my necklace when she asked for it. I am a nice person. She pulled her hair back, and I placed it around her neck, snapping it into place.

... and she burned me on the wrist with her cigarette.

Now I am in pain, talking to some girl who is apologizing to me, maintaining the minimal amount of eye contact necessary to let her know that I am still part of the conversation... My head is somewhere else. I have ash all over my brand new outfit, and I am brushing it off when she decided to kiss me on my cheek.

Now, in any other situation (if the girl would have been attractive) I could have played the sympathy card (I am nice, but not stupid)... but I just wanted to get out of there. So I said to her "We're leaving" and I walked over to everyone that I came with.

It was about 1:30am when all of this transpired - I was ready to go, and so was the Andrea girl. Sarah was off in a corner still making out with this random guy "Sinner" on his shirt.

To make this long story a bit shorter, we didn't leave until 2:30am.

Now, Don and Sarah had been drinking, and I just have to pose this question...

Why do people act like fucking idiots on the bridge? Sarah was driving (after drinking, which pissed me off, I offered to drive and she refused -last time that is going to happen, I assure you)... So everyone in the car decides to start talking shit to other people waiting in line at customs.

All the while thinking to myself "This is why I don't drink"

Regardless of who I go with, no one seems to be able to behave themselves when CROSSING THE BORDER INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY. It's embarrassing, really.

Enough about that...

So afterwards the guys gives us shit because only 2 of us have our birth certificates/passports. "What would you do if I sent you back to Canada?" - Dick. I guess after 9/11 I understand, but come on. 4 American kids in their early 20's - With driver's licenses. Finally he lets us go.

And I have 20 dollars Canadian in my wallet right now. Grrrr.

Morale of the story: IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

I like going out, however I can't help but feel that my "club days" are numbered.

I need to find somewhere to go. Somewhere where I fit in, and have something in common with the people there. Somewhere there are ADULTS who know how to conduct themselves. So now I am going to start looking for other things to do.

Poetry readings? Museums? Art galleries? Something... Guess I will be going alone.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:01 PM [ comment.]

REASON MY WEEKEND SUCKED - PART ONE - Margarita and the DEMF

I think a relationship with Margarita is out of the question now. Perhaps our friendship as well.

What the hell was I thinking?

We have known eachother for years... and I knew things were coming to a conclusion... I could feel it. Everything was coming to a head, and now our friendship has run it's course.

So.. what happened?

Well, I went to the DEMF earlier today with her. I was already in a pretty shitty mood after the disaster last night in Canada. I wanted to go, honestly... albeit half-heartedly.

30 seconds after we enter Hart Plaza, we run into her ex... someone I loathe. I mean, this guy has totally treated her HORRIBLY. But she talks to him, and I pretty much walk away. That put a serious dent in my possible enjoyment right away. So then we are walking around... then it starts to rain. Heavily. So we duck inside.

1. I am claustrophobic - coupled with the fact that:
2. Some "Raver" people have horrible hygiene and:
3. The smell of pot coupled with:
4. Pachulli Jelly (sp?) makes me sick.

At this point I am ready to go. However I figure I will give her the benefit of the doubt and stay a bit. Then we run into her ex again. Grrrr. Once again I leave, because I don't want to meet this asshole... I don't even want to be introduced. I mean, fuck this guy. She talks to him yet again, and soon after we are separated.

When we were walking in, I designated a spot to meet up at in the event of separation. "If we lose eachother for more than 20 minutes meet HERE". I go there, then wait for a LONG time. She never shows so I call her cell phone. At this point I want to go.

I was honestly considering leaving her there at that point. It seemed as though she had a bunch of (guy) friends, so I sure she would be pissed, but at least she would have a ride. Anyway she answers and directs me to her location. I want to leave. So together again, we are listening to this guy spin... and I am beyond having lost all interest in this entire thing. She picks up on that and says "Let's go". GUESS WHO WE RUN INTO THEN??? We start walking out and I can tell she is pissed but oh well. I tell her I can drive her back to her car at my house or she can find a ride home. I start walking, and turn around... she is gone. I walk back down to find her and GUESS WHO SHE'S WITH? I ask if she has a ride, and she just looks at me. He says "Yes" and at that point I leave. No goodbye, nothing.

By the time I am driving home I have a voicemail from her bitching at me, telling me her car keys and purse are in my truck. I am not turning around so I leave her a message "I locked your purse and stuff in your car at my house, and your keys will be in my mailbox. - That's pretty much it. Bye."

Unfortunately I didn't check my glove box, and her wallet is still in there. Damn. When I got home I took off to go to dinner, because I didn't want to be there when homeboy showed up to drop her off. That is when she called to remind me about her wallet. I offered to turn around and bring it to her. She said she didn't want to deal with it. Which is good because I didn't want to deal with her.

And I am not sure that I ever want to again. I am pretty sure whatever we had is over.

I don't know what is going to happen now.

I was already in a bad mood when we got to the DEMF thing anyway. I really didn't want to go, but I had told her I would take her. Regardless, DEMF sucks. I am not really part of that "scene" at all.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:58 PM [ comment.]

So much for getting my hopes up. I am having a horrible weekend.

...

More on that later- when my head clears.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:22 PM [ comment.]

peace and love and happiness
my denial facade-
war, hate, and sadness
within
always giving
inside lamenting

a poet
lacking a voice.
i remember when i could scream
when i could feel
when i could smoke cigarettes
when i was superman
invincible
invisible
but you have captured
and tortured me
by making me love again.

destroyed and i don't care
because
it's all gone
it's all gone
my kingdom is gone

torment
i pit myself against myself
yet again
my own worst enemy
my own best friend
the only one i have
the only one i can trust
the one i hate the most

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:09 PM [ comment.]

I just got off the phone with Margarita.

I told her that I had to work in the morning... which I do, but in truth I just didn't like where the conversation was heading. As much as I want to I cannot confide in her.

Everything we were talking about... it was as if I was behind the wheel of a car. The discussion turned this way, turned that way. All the time going down the same road. I just had to duck out before the road ended to inevitability...

There is nothing I can say now that is going to repair the damage done when you read this.

I would have erased the last two entries, as they were pretty much all about you... But I can't hide anymore. Our friendship of 3 years is coming to an impasse. Unfortunately I know how this is all going to end, and it is only the glimmer of hope that is making me even bother.

I love you, and you do not love me back in that way. I just cannot help what I feel. Well, the truth is, I don't know how you feel about me, past being one of my best friends. It has always been there, and gone again. Flashes of closeness. You know what I am talking about.

Have I even told you to your face that I love you? No. I cannot bring myself to. All of the things I want to tell you, I cannot say out of fear of losing you. It is this conflict that is beginning to tear me apart. I don't know what to do anymore, but I feel a sense of urgency. I know that if I do not make my move soon, or at least be honest with you... You are going to end up with someone who doesn't deserve you -

Again.

Over and over you end up crying on my shoulder. I have never abandoned you, never hurt you... I have always been there. Nor have I ever said or done any of the horrible things you have heard, and put up with. I would like to think that I would treat you as best I could, and how you deserve to be treated.

I guess the hopeless romantic in me thinks that we were meant to be, even as the pessimistic side, the damaged side, the realistic side... Tells me that the obscure chance of us meeting and staying in contact, while precious in my heart... is just merely coincidence. We were never passing ships in the night.

I would like to think that we are meant for more than this. I want to give you the wonderful things I have to offer.... or at least what I think I do. If I cannot give you my world, I at least want you to be a part of it.

You are one of the beautiful things in the world that I hold dear. I know this is starting to sound sappy, and right now I don't know when you are going to read this.

...

I just love you, everything about you. And, even if we stay just friends, part of me always will have feelings for you.

As I have told you, I have tried so hard to fill this hole in my heart with many things... When you are with me, for once I just feel whole again. You make me want to care.

There are just some things I cannot hold inside anymore. You need to know, because eventually if I didn't say anything I would start resenting you for not knowing the things that I never said. That would not be fair in the least.

I just need to know what you want me to do. Friend or otherwise. I am willing to accept either. I just need a boundary to set for myself. I need to know what I should and should not feel towards you.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:09 AM [ comment.]

Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to get trashed. Nothing has really changed, but I feel heartbroken anyways.

...

Alright.

I just got a wendy's triple-cheeseburger (plain)... I think this is probably the most bad-for-me, unhealthy, fattening...etc. thing that I could be eating right now. So why am I?

Well, when I get depressed, I eat. I don't binge or anything... Just food/candy... any small physical pleasure just seems to help... in a miniscule way. I am such a girl (J/k)...

...

Last entry, I kind of gushed... I wrote about some things that I just needed to get out... words that I needed to see with my own eyes on this computer screen. Because here is so much better than weighing on my heart and mind.

She just left, and as much as I care for her... it isn't going to work. Not now, and I doubt it ever will. I rented "Not Another Teen Movie" and I found one character to be eerily ironic. The guy who is best friends with a girl, and loves her... All the while her being oblivious to it. In most movies the girl finally realizes it and they live happily ever after.

Happily ever after. Margarita thinks she knows... but she is just oblivious to me. She made the grave mistake of bringing a picture album with her.

1. She didn't mean anything by it I am sure, but it just looked to me like all of her boyfriends in chronological order. Every turn of the page was a pain between my stomach and heart. "These guys could be with you, why can't I? - I have never hurt you, mistreated you... Some of them did, and you know I could never do that to you" - Thoughts. To add insult to injury... there was a picture of me in my dorm at Eastern Michigan a few years ago - 30lbs (heavier) ago. Grrrr. The picture of me at the club a few weeks ago. I wouldn;t consider myself to be unattractive - but alas I am horribly unphotogenic.

2. Sometimes I can't help but feel that I am just one of her many guy friends. That thought - all of a sudden not being as special to her, not being UNIQUE... kills me. I want to think that I have my own little niche in her heart. She insists otherwise...

- Once again... I have to FORCE myself to stop loving someone. To give up on them in a fashion. I don't know if I am going to be able to bear it, it is so painful to do so, as I learned with Madonna. I must not slip again... I will always be a friend to her, always be there for her... perhaps it is just time to draw that line and adhere to it.

I dunno... so much happens in me, that doesn't happen in the outside world. My intuition makes my emotions change like seasons. We are going on a "Date" next week, and I think that I should just tell her how I feel, and leave everything at that. At least that way I can say I tried.

...

Try I must... because I have to change. I have to unbind myself from the shackles of the past... and make strides toward the future. It is in my nature to walk backwards - to look behind me while trying to move on, forward, blind. You have to change, John. Either that or get swallowed up when the ever-shrinking past/present that I live in - has nothing left.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:44 PM [ comment.]

Damn. Lost my last journal entry. Here goes the summary.

I am really looking forward to this week -

Monday - At midnight the new Moby album, "18" comes out.
Wednsday - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - comes out... again at midnight!

In other words, I am looking forward to this week's undeniable lack of sleep.

...

I would like to mention PEPPER, and her site, _____________wasteland... she signed my gbook, and I returned the favor. I like her site, and she is definately pretty... Looking forward to chatting with her sometime soon.

...

Margarita - I love her. What else can I say? I have known it forever, but never before has it been so clear to me. I miss her when she is not here, which is most of the time. When she is here I feel as though I can be free for once. Free from my life, from the past... So what can I do? She is one of my best friends... one of the only people I can really talk to. But my feelings for her have always been somewhere between friend and lover.

She is single, as I am... An odd coincidence for once. I know that it is only a matter of time before she meets some guy who isn't going to be good enough for her again... As all of her boyfriends have been in the years I have known her.

Margarita is the only person in my life right now who can hurt me. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that to everyone else I am to afraid of rejection to open up at all. She has always been in my heart... even through the craziness of the past few years. There she has stayed.

I wish I could be with her. Part of me wants to confide in her my feelings... but I think she knows all to well. I think she is afraid of screwing up what we do have... The other part of me is pulling away from her, the proverbial alarms screaming "She can hurt you, John". I have been hurt so much... I don't know how much more I could take... I just feel safe with her.

Is this making any sense?

I dunno. Maybe I should just bide my time with her. I have always hoped that she would eventually come to me. Or realize that she has the same feelings for me...

However, in a tragic sense, I fear by that time... I will be with someone else, and the tables will be turned. We have discussed this before...

What should I do?

...

I guess it is nice to know that I love someone again... even if it isn't meant to be.

...

Margarita, I love you... and I don't know what to do anymore.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:32 PM [ comment.]

this note
that i never gave
that you'll never read-
an ancient scripture
of a long lost religion
these words
are a clenched fist
as i read them again...
a past life
- a relapse

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:15 PM [ comment.]

I guess I should say something...

I am still alive. If you call what my life has become being "alive" that is. Routine and repeat.

Ah well. Perhaps that isn't at all fair... Guess I am just in one of those moods again.

...

I am happy with my computer. :)

...

Tonight, I bought a new entertainment center for my TV. I got a pretty good deal on it, and spent a few hours putting it together. Afterwards, I moved a few pieces of furniture out of my room. This is all to create more space. Yes, I live in a closet. My room is trashed right now, but I am too tired to do anything about it.

I am exhausted. This is one of those points that comes along every few months... Where no amount of caffeine is going to save me. My tank is empty. I guess my body can only take so much stress (physically, mentally, emotionally) before it just needs a break. Tomorrow (Today) I am going to go to work, then come home and finish my room. Well, try to anyways. Then I am cashing in my chips and sleeping for the rest of the day.

...

Spider-Man, and Van Wilder are great movies. I would highly recommend both of them...

...

I can't think anymore. Need some Z's. Tomorrow (Today) then. ARgh.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:40 AM [ comment.]