Take me now
and I shall bear no ill will
My designs
are meant to outlast me.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:29 PM [ comment.]

beautiful day
portrait mix of blue sky and white clouds
sun shining
warm on my face
squinting from the light
warm on my hands as i reach up and out
picturing
remembering that this isn't me at all
wishing it would rain
Why do you want sunshine when it rains?

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:48 PM [ comment.]

"... and it comes in RED!"

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PRESS PLAY - "Anniversary of an uninteresting event" by the Deftones.

Well... it's official - My favorite band now is the Deftones. They have moved into the spot formerly occupied by Underworld. Now, it's not that I don't like UW anymore (far from it) - It's just that I feel as though I have outgrown them in some respect. The subtle "soundtrack to memories past" has been replaced with the violence of emotion that I find in the Deftones. I am just not that much into techno anymore anyway.

I need crunch. YES AARON LEWIS I NEED CRUNCH YOU BASTARD. I mean... STAIND literally saved my life a few summers ago with dysfunction - and their new album is CRAP. Dust gathering waste of money CRAP.... grrr...

Anyway off that tangent... and back to outgrowing things... I have been contemplating shutting down the site at the end of the summer. After 3 years up... in august it might be coming down... Why you ask? Well for a few reasons... One is that what this used to mean to me has long been over. Two is that I don't have anything to say anymore...

Maybe I will just call it quits... or I have been thinking about buying another domain name... yes... I am deaDpixeL but unfortunately deadpixel.org represents something to me... in my heart of hearts. I would be lying if I said this doesn't mean alot to me. At times it seemed as though it was the only thing I had.

I just want to be Smashing Pumpkins on this... not Poison. If I am to leave, it will be on my terms. I am not going to sell myself out by touting something that could very well become a shadow of its former self.

In the past I would write and cry. Tears streaming down my face as I struggled to express myself. I would be so in love I could barely type, so full of hate that I would punish my keyboard... or so hurt that I couldn't muster the strength to lift my fingers. My heart and soul went into every word... Now things are just so emotionally barren in my life...

I don't want to just post WHAT *CHARACTER/COLOR/LEVEL OF HELL/ETC.* ARE YOU? (see below) - Or "I took a crap today"... I mean, they are a blast in a lot of the blogs I read daily... but it just isn't me. I am not saying that I am better than any of that... but again... it just isn't me. My entries have to mean something... to me at the very least.

This journal was for me to sort out the utter chaos my life had become a few years ago. Now all of that is over. I wrote in explicit detail what I was thinking and feeling. It helped... it helped so much... However now I don't want to write just for the sake of writing.

... it's just something that I am contemplating... nothing is set in stone.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 6:38 PM [ comment.]

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 3:04 PM [ comment.]

May 2003 - It could have been the most entertaining month ever... With the exception of the now resolved house crisis... here is the rundown.

2nd - X-men 2 was SWEET
8th - Deftones concert ROCKED (Thx again chelz)
13th - Equilibrium DVD - purchased
15th - Matrix Reloaded - Not as good as the original... (of course) but it KICKED ASS
20th - New Deftones album YAY!... New Staind album NAY! (it sucks), Children of Dune dvd purchased!
26th - Cedar Point - had alot of fun (rode some crazy rides) - lost a hat and sunglasses... BOOoooo
29th - Animatrix - bought it a few days early (thanks King Video)

Ahhhh... it was a good month...

June FIRST... 9am. After all that fun I had last month... I get a phone call...

My grandmother has died...

She was my "mim" on my father's side of the family. - and I just got back from the funeral.

It's not that I don't feel anything. I mean... yeah it sucks. It does. I loved her. I am just emotionally incapable right now. The pain is out there... but it is distant. As if some army on a siege... My defenses holding fast... I cannot be hurt if I don't let myself feel anything. The tides crashing in were the pangs I felt... utterly useless.

I was there and everyone was crying. My father, aunt, cousins... all destroyed in front of me. I wanted to give in... but I would not. I just couldn't. However I felt worse for seeing them in pain over losing our grandmother than the actual loss.

Does that make any sense?

Am I a bad person?

There was a sermon and such... I didn't really take part. There were psalms and prayers recited... I thought about the concept of "heaven" for a second... and this occured to me.

My own personal views on God and such withstanding... is "heaven" a place in our hearts and minds? I mean this may sound cold and all... she is dead and will be cremated tomorrow. However she lives on in our hearts... our memories. Is that what "heaven" is? That is her existence now. That is where she lives.

Which makes me feel good. Because all faith should come from within.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:53 PM [ comment.]