Well... this is it. Less than 2 hours and 2002 will be over. So here is the year in review.

1. TAG - I spent the better part of the year (11 1/2 months) working my ass off installing windows. I would still be there but I quit in mid-November because of school It gave me the money to increase my DVD collection significantly, and to put together my sweet ass computer. I will hopefully be going back (if they take me back) soon.

2. HFCC - I went to the semester long EMT-b progam... Had alot of fun and learned alot. Made some great friends. I think this is going to serve as the basis for whatever career I end up in. I did very well in my classes... Now I can do things like CPR and deliver babies. w00t!

3. Mollie - She was the only blip on the radar as far as my love life went this year. I fell for her pretty hard pretty fast and in true John fashion had my heart broken. I don't think I will ever expose my soft underbelly again. I guess I learned that love is more of a weakness than a strength. Sad but true.

4. Friends - Well 2002 was just another year of mayhem for the Bronto & crew. I just want to thank all my friends out there for just being themselves... Noel, Mike, Steve, Paul, Brett... everyone else. My school friends Ben, Mike, Kevin. Thanks for being there for me everyone.

5. The House - Well, we haven't killed eachother yet.

So, now how did I do on last year's resolutions?

1. Find a girlfriend. Someone to love... Someone to be with for the right reasons for once. Not someone who is just there, or serves as a replacement for someone else.
Well, I thought Mollie was it. She hurt me at the time, but now it is just the stinging sense of disappointment. That emotional kick in the stomach as I said. I guess now I don't really care about having a girlfriend anymore. I have shaved my head and deleted all of the female phone numbers from my cell phone. Hopefully it will happen eventually.

2. Eat better. Learn to cook... errr... stuff.
For the most part I did eat better this year. With the exception of the past few weeks. I have been a total sloth as of late, not caring what I eat.

3. PAY OFF THE DAMN CREDIT CARDS.
I put a dent in them... but didn't accomplish it this year.

4. Pay off school, go back to Eastern.... and quit screwing around. Get back on track.
Well, I didn't go back to Eastern, but I did quit screwing around and got back on track. I found a career I am interested in . Now it is just a matter of time.

5. Lose another 10 lbs or more. That would put me at 170. The more the merrier.
Almost. I got down to 172lbs before the holidays. My slothness as of late has put me back up to like 178lbs. Booo.

6. Be myself.
I learned alot about myself this year. Both for good and bad. I learned that yes, I am capable of love again... I just resent that now. Love has been nothing but pain for me, so I don't want it anymore. At least for now. I also learned that when Sarah, Madonna, etc. have shattered my heart... I didn't necessarily pick up all the pieces. I left some behind. I hate how cold I can be sometimes. I have been more myself though in 2002 than I had been in years. So good for me.

Now, this year's resolutions. 2003!

1. Lose weight, eat better, and get in shape. - These all go hand in hand. I am hereby swearing off all fast food (even on sundays) and pop. I am going to try my best to work out consistently, run, and get in better shape. I want to be ripped and have a six-pack and all that good stuff. I want to be dead sexay by the end of 2003. I want to weigh 165lbs or less by the end of 2003 too. This is going to require discipline, something I have never had in my entire life. But, it is something that I want. No more junk food!

2. Stop drinking/Stop being depressed - I have never been much of a drinking-type person. I just drank more in this past year than I have ever. Not a drop in 2003. No more drinking by myself after going to see movies like SOLARIS by myself. I am a much stonger person than I have been in a long time, and I want that to continue. Most of the time I am just a mixed bag of emotions. I need to get a grip on myself and gain control. I have not felt WHOLE in a long time. And I still do not but I don't want that to run my life for me.

3. Get in a better financial state/ Buy a suit - I would like to go back to TAG so I can pay my bills. If that doesn't happen, I will have to figure out something else. I need to be more responsible with my money, and really need to start paying off my credit cards. I hate them and are sick of paying the stupid monthy bills. So I just want to take a hit and pay some of them off completely. I would also like to buy a suit and yuppie it up at least ONCE. Heh.

4. Write, Write, Write - I would like to start work on my book "Shut up and bang" - which will be about my experiences with love, sex, and relationships, and how the three don't always coincide. I would also like to write more poetry and songs. I would also like to journal more often.

5. Plant a tree - Okay, not literally. I just want to do something that makes a difference. Somehow, somewhere, to someone. Anything.

6. Get on the career track - One way or another. I may not be a firefighter or police officer by the end of 2003, but I want to be headed in the right direction.

* * * I think these are fairly realistic and possible. * * *

So, happy new year world.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:57 PM [ comment.]

"That's why I'm better than Jesus, because I saved that cat" - My roomate John Nykanen.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:26 AM [ comment.]

...here goes nothing.

Things have been better. For once I am not emotionally distraught at all. Physically I am kind of drained... mainly because I have been a sloth this past month. Now that RO is down... I have had to play Warcraft 3, and RTCW... I have beaten them both (Just beat War3 earlier tonight), all the way through - without cheating. Okay that is a lie... there is an IMPOSSIBLE level in RTCW so I had to skip that. Anyways... video games are fun and all... but aren't really constructive. Years ago I could spend 8+ hours in front of a console or my computer - no more. Just cannot do it.

* * * * *

Saw LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS - at the midnight showing last Tuesday. All I have to say is it was a great movie. For the sake of comparison, I liked the original better... but not by much. I just liked the intimacy of FELLOWSHIP. TTT was a much broader movie in scale and epic. I guess watching these movies makes me realize how much of a sham the new STAR WARS movies have been. Really. They are good and all... but they are not LOTR. Not by a longshot.

Go see the damn movie. NOW.

* * * * *

I hate to say it, but I may have to ask for my job back at TAG when they come back from winter break. I have no money, and no money (save XMAS money) coming in. That doesn't help when you have rent, a lease, and assorted bills to pay. I may not like TAG, but it definately paid the bills.

It's really sad that I don't have enough money to buy christmas presents for my family. I know I will figure something out... and XMAS is more than just gifts... but still I am going to feel kind of pathetic. This is what got me thinking... and that broadened how dire my situation really is.

I can't pay my bills. This means that I am going to have to move home... God knows what that is going to do to my relationship with my roomates. I don't want to screw them over, but I just can't afford to live here anymore. Unless, sadly, I go back to TAG.

I can't buy XMAS gifts for my family. *sigh*

I can't afford the tests necessary to get state licensed for the classes that I just took, nor the tests necessary to apply for the Detroit Fire Dept, or even the Police Dept.

I can't afford to buy ANYTHING. Funny how fast your adopted lifestyle crashes when you go from $2000 a month take home to $0. So, I am going to have to ask Nykanen to ask them if I can come back when their winter break ends. Yeah, I quit... and I had my reasons. Reasons that aren't really around anymore. Yeah, TAG sucks.

I have my final interview for compUSA some time early next week... And that would be fine and dandy... I just don't think they are going to give me full time, and I am not sure how much money I am going to make working there... That and I would have to work some sundays - something I would rather not do. So, I might make enough money to pay my bills, but other than that I would be scraping by, and that is something I am not willing to do. I might as well go all in and make some money to get myself out of this hole I am currently digging for myself. My tax return should signal me being caught up on everything.

Let this be a lesson... I am sick of stupid bills. I am horrible with money... I just got a notice of a $30 overdraft charge from my bank (Comerica)... Funny thing is I had $3 in my checking account. So, I think I am going to go back to the Money Order lifestyle whenever I have money again. That way I will always have cash-on-hand and won't be able to spend more than what is in my stash.

I never thought I would say this... but I want to go back to TAG. If they turn me away I am screwed pretty bad. Nothing I won't figure my way out of eventually, but for the meantime it will make drastic lifestyle changes in a BAD way. I don't want to move home, and in addition, my mother is telling me I wouldn't get my old room back anyway.

I mean, there is the saying that sometimes you have to take a step back to take 2 steps forward, but this is more than 1 step back. This is totally destroying everything I have worked for in the past 2 years, and any hope I have of getting a girlfriend for a LONG time. Not that I am really worried about it right now... Just an idea in the back of my head.

* * * * *

Song of the night "I'm not worried at all" by MOBY (Album "18" Track 18)

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:51 AM [ comment.]

"and i realized that sometimes you HAVE to choose a side"

The holidays are coming up, and I am getting lonlier by the day... New Year's should be fun this year.

* * * * *

This just in... In a dramatic turn of events... earlier today I applied for the Detroit Police academy. Yeah, I have to take a few tests... ones that I know I will have no problem passing. So, I figure somewhere between getting my EMT license, applying for the Detroit Fire Dept., and the Police Dept... There will be a career for me somewhere in there.

* * * * *

When I was driving around Detroit earlier... I picked up the phone out of instinct... It was a "I should call Margarita" moment in time... then it hit me that I don't have her phone number anymore. Like I said I deleted it from my cell phone. Does it bother me? Yeah, it does... but it's just not healthy for me right now. Eventually we will talk again... maybe not. She knows my phone number. She knows where I live. She knows where this page is. If it is worth it to her then she will find her way back to me, God knows I've tried with her... and others.

One problem down...

* * * * *

Speaking of which... Today I called Circuit City to verify the dates that I worked there for my resume... and after I dialed the number (I sill have it memorized), I was stricken with panic for a split second as the phone rang for the first time. I felt like I was playing russian roullette with the phone... Madonna could have picked it up. Seriously - it hadn't even occurred to me. I would know her voice as she would know mine. What would I do then?

... then someone else answered. I was directed to Mike Hepler... my old manager when I worked there. He is a good guy, so I talked to him for a bit. I told him that I was looking for a job, and if there were any openings there.... as he started to answer...

"Does Madonna Henson still work there?" just jumped out of my stupid mouth. (Mental slap in the forehead.)
He affirmed my suspicions...
"Yeah, she's a trooper" and said there were no openings...
and I said to him "Well I couldn't work there anyway"...
he replied "Why not?"
"Well, we used to have a relationship, and it ended... badly"
"Oh" and that was pretty much it.

Suprised I didn't say something like "Say hi to her for me" or of the like. "Here's my phone number, tell her to give me a call"

The last thing I need right now is to have her anywhere near back in my life right now. I will admit... part of my heart wants to talk to her, find out how she is holding up. However, if I have learned anything... I know that I am a total SAP. I would just fall for the girl all over again, or be crushed when I find out that she is with someone.

Fuck all that noise.

* * * * *

Oh, and I hated my hair. Notice the past tense. I shaved my head again 2 days ago.

Problem 2 solved.

* * * * *

Now that I have my resume and complete employment history... Tomorrow, finally I am going to to apply at the casinos in Detroit. My main problem right now is money. I need a job to pay bills and support my now absent lifestyle. Booooo.

* * * * *

I can't wait until midnight tomorrow... 24 hours from now I will be seeing THE TWO TOWERS. Yay!

Oh, and I have become addicted to "Boston Public" on at 8pm on Fox 2. I love the show.... (and the eye candy)... tonight was a really good episode, and it closed with a song called...

* * * * *

Song of the night (and the holidays) - "City of Ruins" by Bruce Springsteen.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:15 AM [ comment.]

"There's good news, and there's bad news... what do you want first?"

THE GOOD NEWS - I am done with my finals. I ended up getting A's on both. With my practical class, I just walked in and nailed it... no retests like my mid-term. My lecture final was easy. I guess I just realized that I know this stuff and should quit whining about it.

It was a weird feeling walking out of school for the last time last night. There was a sense of sadness because it might be the last time that I see my classmates and teachers, whom I have grown to respect over the course of the semester. The group of 5 of us who were kind of a group during the class... my study group... I think we all realized this was the end. A few of us may stay in contact, but I think for the majority we are all going our seperate ways. Originally there was the concept of all of us taking our classes together, and staying together in our respective careers. It is a nice notion, but now it seems like a pipe dream now.

We were a group that was falling apart at the end (As I saw last night)... I am not taking any classes next semester, and the rest of them are taking different classes. So, things ended up splintered.

Why am I not taking any classes next semster? Well for one I cannot afford it (obviously) and two: I don't really want to be a paramedic, I want to be a firefighter. So I can go to school for another year and a half, and THEN take a year of fire... alot of $$$. Or I can get my National Registry certification in late January/ early February and work for a private ambulance company as and EMT-b. I would rather do that until I can get into the Detroit Fire Dept. After I get in I can always go back and get my paramedic training. That is the plan anyways. And, regardless of the HFCC informercials... I might just decide to take the paramedic course WITHOUT all of the pre-reqs and the end of this summer. So I would still be in their time frame.

Finally, there was a sense of accomplishment last night... one that I had never had before. It was just a sense of relief walking off campus alone... after spending 8+ hours on campus studying... being so tired. I mean, I am proud of myself. Yeah, it's not a 4-5 year college teaching degree as was originally planned... but it is what I have put my heart and soul into for the past 5 months. I worked my ass off and it paid off. Not one class did I miss. As soon as I get my NR certification... I will be a licensed professional.

And, it's SOMETHING. No one can take that away from me.

now THE BAD NEWS - I have barely enough money to scrap by for rent this month. I will do so and have just enough money to put some gas in my car and go look for a job later today. Just a JOB, nothing serious and nothing that will pay too great, but that is okay... I just have to get by for the next 2 months. 2 months. Yeah, not working for the past (as of yesterday) 2 months can kind of put a stop to monetary flow pretty quick... but it was well worth it.

TAG was dragging me down and out of class, and I am afraid that I wouldn't have done as well had I stayed there. Would I be having money problems right now? No. Was it worth it? Yes.

So, it's 9:19am right now, and soon I will get up and shower, and head out there to find employment.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 9:21 AM [ comment.]

Well, I deleted every single one of the female phone numbers on my cell. Basically I am sick of calling girls (or trying to) and barely hearing from them. And when I do hear from them it's "I've been so busy lately" etc. Now, I remember having this discussion before with one of my ex's. IT TAKES ROUGHLY A MINUTE to make a phone call. "I'm alive" takes ONE SECOND to say. So, as they used to say at TAG... "I'm over it" with all of them. If they want me in any aspect of their life, "Friend" or other... then they are going to have to put forth some effort. I give up on you.

So, that's that.

I need to focus on studying for my exams anyway. I need to focus on getting a decent job, and making sure that I don't blow this like the first time I went college. So I am shelving Ragnarok Online for a few days... and Wednesday night if all goes well I plan on partying. But after the dust settles... I plan on doing something I thought I could avoid doing forever...

Growing up. I am 24 years old. It is about damn time.

Quitting TAG was a foolish and childish thing to do. I should have just toughed it out and worked there solely for a paycheck, which I am missing now. Should have waited until I had another job LOCKED and put my 2 weeks in. Yeah, I could go back... I am pretty sure of that. I have too much pride and self-respect to let them win. What I need to quit, is being so whimsical. Looking back on my employment history I have quit the vast majority of my jobs. Maybe even all of them. Without notice. Walked off for one reason or another.

Meijer - First Job - Quit because it just sucked all over and I was making minimum wage.
Foodland - Quit because I was going to school, and the commute sucked.
To Be Cafe at EMU - Quit because it sucked.
Circuit City - Quit because I just fell apart when my grandfather died.
Little Caesars - Quit becaus it sucked
Kelly Services - Quit because it sucked
Circuit City (2)- "Resigned" when someone forgot to wake me up and I was late (we usually covered our own asses, but this person didn't)
Little Caesars (2) - Quit because I was being torn apart morally during jury duty, and Madonna decided to dump me in the middle of it.
Radio Shack - Quit because a manager decided to put his hands on me. (In like a "Listen to me" gesture) I don't appreciate it when people put their hands on me. Almost knocked him out.
Border's - The only job I put 2 weeks in... so I could move to Ohio and transfer to...
Border's (Ohio) - Quit because I moved back to Michigan 2 weeks later. I didn't get my job back at the local one.
Kelly Services - Worked out for a while, but they kept bounching me from place to place. I walked out of 2 of them and said I'm done being a temp. Sick of punching numbers.
TAG Construction - Quit because I was sick of working with drug addicts, being vastly underappreciated for all I put up with, and being one of the only people with a car in a sea of DUI's (that I had to drive home). Then they doubled my workload and had me driving out of 31 mile or such every day... While still paying me the measly wage that seemed great but when broken down (Gas, etc.) resembled a McDonald's paycheck.

So. If everything goes correctly in another 2 months or so I will be working for an ambulance company. Working in my career field. In the meantime I am scrambling to work somewhere... School is over in 3 more days so I can work really any schedule (Including midnights, etc.). I have applied to some "cool" places to work, but have heard nothing as of yet. So I am going to have to settle for a normal boring job. A paycheck.

Tomorrow I am going to apply to St. Mary's Hospital in Livonia (Where I did 2 of my clinicals) to be an O.R. or E.R. tech. My sister works there, and I think I did well working there, so maybe it will work out. Would be great to get in there. I would probably be working odd hours but in the long run I think it would be worth it. Also I really need to get off my ass and apply to be a security guard at the casinos (They make decent money, are pretty close, and have tuition reimbursement). Twitch is trying to hook me up with an office job in Ann Arbor (...).

So, all in all... I just need to get out there. Make some money.

...

I decided that I am going to go space monkey again and shave my head. Why? Well because I hate my hair and I want to get into Fire Fighter mode. That and I have given up all hope of finding a girlfriend in the next year or so, so I am going to just focus on school, and trying to work out and diet... No more to being distracted by women in my life that I want but cannot have.

I do this with the faith that one day it will happen for me (as everyone says). I have stopped looking. I guess this is where I test my metal, because if I don't believe that it's going to happen then I am just a hypocrite. Everything that I stand for... All of this writing... The webpage.... It's all bullshit if I don't stand behind what I preach.

Faith in life, faith in love. - It will all mean nothing. Life is nothing without faith... nothing. Whatever that word means to you. Believe it. Believe in something. Take it from me, I have been in that dark place where there is nothing but being numb, or cold, if you're lucky... I don't ever want to go back there.

* * * * *

A girl smiled at me during my clinical the other day and I melted inside. And then my elusive deity went back to X-ray.

* * * * *

Song of the day "As I'm leaving" (Again) - By David Gray

GO SEE EQUILIBRIUM!!! It is a great movie and it will be gone soon because it is only playing on 300 screens nationwide. I loved it.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:19 AM [ comment.]

In the present...

1.) EMT CLASS - Tonight I realized that I do have confidence in my abilities as far as becoming and EMT goes. I enjoy the field... I aced my exam tonight, and I am feeling really good walking into next week's finals. Then a month or so is going to go by before I take my national registry exam, and then get my state license. After all of this I want to get myself in an ambulance ASAP and start making some money. I was really doubtful in myself over the past few weeks, mainly because I felt like I was slipping. All of this time off has given me time to study (Yes, I study) and I feel like I am on top again. This is the ONLY semester since I have started going to college where I haven't missed ONE class. I even went to a few optional ones. Most of all I am glad to have met my study group... people who have become good friends. We should all be in this thing together, and we are already figuring out what classes we are going to take next semester, where we are going to apply, what our plans are...

Amethysts... trust me they work.

2.) RAGNAROK ONLINE - I am playing the beta 2 right now, and for an EXTREMELY basic game it is really addictive. I remeber playing the game a long time ago, but right now I can't get enough of it. Killing jelly thingees over and over again... Everything is so frikkin cute (The game is an Online RPG based on an anime world). So that is what I am also doing with some of my free time.

3.) JOB - Johnny Bronto Bron, you need to go out and get a jobby job. Yup, the well is about to run dry... Funny thing is I SHOULD have a career in 2 months, but for now I have to skate that time and find a stupid local job to have money to live on. Booooo. Things aren't all bad. Right now I am not missing freezing my ass off at TAG. This free time is helping me study a TON for my finals next week (and... *cough*let me play ragnarok online more*cough*). The server is down so I can actually get some sleep tonight... Tomorrow I want to go put some apps in. I want to work inside where it is warm, and somewhere that has a decent pay rate.

4.) Love Life - BEEEEEEeeeeeeeppppppp. (Sound of EKG going flatline.. or asystole...)

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:22 PM [ comment.]

My audience, I have survived.

I kept myself busy for the past few days and not think about Sarah. Drinking on Wednesday night, Thanksgiving on Thursday, then there was the LAN last night/this morning. Today I slept all day.

After all of this I just felt horrible... All of this has left me pretty drained, both physically and emotionally.

It just made me realize that I need to take a stand. I need to draw a line and stick to it for once. You know, what Sarah and I had was beautiful. It truly was. I just do not want someone to have that kind of power over me anymore... I do want to be in love, more than anything - I just want it to be a mutual thing. Sarah and I have been over for a long time. Getting back together was just one of my many stupid hopeless romantic fantasies. Call this waking up. If she wanted to, she could find me. If she wanted to, she would be part of my life. She is not, and I'm letting her go.

I will hold onto the memories of what we had... but we have nothing now, we haven't had anything in years.

Just laying there, drinking... watching TV around 4am on Thursday... I just felt kind of pathetic, and I started to think. It would be so easy to blame people for "what they have done to me". But the honest answer would be "what I have done to myself".

I tend to have found myself in some bad spots sometimes... and I want that to stop. I don't want to drink because I'm depressed over a girl. I don't want to be sleeping with someone just because they are there to numb the pain, or be with a girl that I downright loathe. None of these things were me... They were just letting apathy destroy my life.

So, the first step that I took was deleting most of the phone numbers from my cell phone. Numbers that I cannot get back. Next step was uninstalling a few IM programs that I used on my computer.

I guess all in all having fewer people in my life is better than having people who compromise my emotional well being. I have better things to do with my time, and my life.

I have great friends - People who I am going to stop taking for granted starting now. School is going suprisingly well this semester (I guess caring can help you accomplish more in 1 semester than 3 years of not giving a shit).

* * * * *

I am NOT starting this new job apparently tomorrow. It fell through, and the person who was supposed to get me in really dropped the ball. So, now I have to look for another job. I hate looking for jobs. I really do. On friday when I finally get my last check from TAG, they might offer me my job back. I will say no, regardless.

I have finals to worry about in the next 2 weeks. Priorties.
* * * * *

I have been trying to call Mollie lately... something telling me not to give up quite yet on her. I am going to try and see her tomorrow night... I am torn if I should just write her off at this point, but I cannot escape the fact that I still have feelings for her... and I just know in my heart that she is a special girl.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 1:32 AM [ comment.]