Searching for a new way to live, or a romantic way to die

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As usual... there isn't much going on. I am working alot... the days have gotten a bit longer since I moved to another crew. That is okay... I make more money now.

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I am officially a college student again. I have registerd for some EMT courses at Henry Ford CC. They are the prereqs for the fire fighter program. I guess I am glad to be back in school... although I didn't plan on going this much. I need to ease back into school.... or I should. I am taking a full load though... 2 classes on Tue, Wed, and Thursday nights. Come to think about it... I guess I am looking forwad to it. Being a student again, going to class... meeting new people. Something to do.

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I bought a new dvd player... one that is REGION-FREE. It can play dvds from all over the world. I bought the extended version of DUNE from amazon.co.uk - it is region 2... not available here. So far I am happy with it. So happy that I rearranged my room for it.

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Am I shallow? I got ambushed over my mom's house, when they were watching SHALLOW HAL. They called me shallow! Later on Noel jumped on the bandwagon as well. That hurt. They said that I am just like the person in the movie. Since then the idea has grown on me.

Maybe I am to a certain degree...

"Maybe I don't know what I want... but I certainly know what I don't want" - Haven't I said this before?

My "standards" have risen higher than ever before. Whoever I end up with is a tall order. So what? I mean, right now everything is going so well for me. Except just that... no girlfriend. Maybe that is why things are going so well in the first place.

I am just not going to settle for someone who isn't worth my time. Why sell myself short like that?

No specifics are going to be mentioned here... but everyone has a different opinion of what "beauty" is. I'll admit... my window is a bit smaller than most people... I just think that it will be worth it in the long run.

To each his own... there is somebody for everybody... maybe even me, eventually.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:02 PM [ comment.]

I'm alive. Right now I am too tired to journal... I have things to say but they are going to have to wait.

;)

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 10:42 PM [ comment.]

I didn't really accomplish much on my vacation. What I did manage to do was get the flu..

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Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Booooo. Next Saturday we are playing paintball again... So I only have a 5 day work week... Yay.

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Last night would have been a great date if Ann Marie didn't have a boyfriend. There was shopping, dinner, a movie, rollerblading, fireworks... talk... and crack-shakes involved. How I continue to find myself in these situations escapes me.

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Margarita always told me she was selfish and demanding... It wasn't until the other night that I began to see why. The past few times we were supposed to go out... she canceled because I didn't want to do what she did. Or... I wasn't capable.

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Flu aside... I do feel much better... I was a total glutton over vacation... I slept alot.. played alot of NEVERWINTER NIGHTS and WARCRAFT 3. Something to pass the time. In addition, I finally cleaned my room. I can walk in and out no problem now. All of my clothes are folded, and put away.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 11:02 PM [ comment.]

I feel better.

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 12:27 PM [ comment.]

Get it all out, John.

Everything is so jumbled. I would like to think that I am not the only person who has this problem.

Why does it still feel like someone kicked me in stomach when I think about Madonna? Why does it still make me sick to never know? Why does it make me feel naucious when I think about how she was obviously sleeping with that person behind my back? Or how he got her pregnant? Why does it kill me so?

To know that all the love you have for a person which means everything to you - means nothing... To be betrayed by someone who won't tell you that she doesn't love you and she let someone plant their seed in her? Even if the whole thing was aborted anyway...

Why am I asking myself why? I haven't talked to her in over a year now... I know she has moved on... even though I keep telling myself, wondering if she ever looks back. She killed whatever spirit I had left... and I feel like I will never be fully alive again. I can't breathe anymore. I can't sleep, I can't even breathe.

My heart is racing... and I have been crying for the past half hour... Tell me what does it matter? It's all said and done and for some reason I can't go on with my life just like everyone else does, and wants me to. For everyone it is so easy to just say "Move on with your life" or "get over it" or whatever... It is so easy for everyone to just jump the obvious conclusion that everything will be okay... that seems like the default answer with everyone. It is so easy to say it, just as I have said it countless times... Maybe I have said it as many times as I have heard it... so I am just as guilty...

I can't get on with my life. I think I am sick. I think that I am depressed and I will never come out of this fucking coma.

In my heart... I want things to be "okay" - I really do. I want to believe everyone... I want to just hope... but I can't.

Everything that I have ever seen and heard... it is all some twisted opiate of a religion that everyone seems to have in abundance. Am I the only one that still believes?

Everything I have ever been through... it's all trivial. All trivial to everyone else... One in the same as everyone else. I am not your problems and you are not mine... It kills me to know that I can't cope anymore, when life seems so easy to everyone else.

... I'm just fucked up.

I just have to scream again. Imagine a world without God in it. What would you live for? What if everything you believed in came crashing down around you... and you had to spend the rest of your life walking through the ashes alone?

Here is the part where I talk about Sarah... and how the woman I love... "the one" is gone forever. But I'm not going to... Because I don't love her. In the same way that I don't love Madonna anymore. Through all of the storms one thing has become clear... What I do love is the glimpses of perfection that I had with them.

Glimpses... a strobe light... a cut scene... split seconds...

The mental perfection... the emotional perfection... the physical perfection... the sexual perfection... Everything that embodies love to me.

If you ever went to heaven... would you want to come back to earth? Well, I have been there, and I can tell you... I would not.

You see things that are so beautiful... You FEEL them. Then they are gone and you wonder if they were put there in the first place just to torture you. Love is so double-edged that no matter what happens, you get hurt. I know it shouldn't be this way. I know it isn't. Really, believing is the only thing that lets me wake up in the morning. Hope, plain and simple - that someday I can prove the world wrong.

Because I can't live in a world that I can't breathe in.

I just don't understand why it never gets better... Why my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster. Maybe there is really something wrong with me. Something that can be cured by some wonder drug, or years of therapy, or something. Maybe, but I can't do that. I have to live life for myself... As much as I love my family, friends... and as much as they love me back... As much as they always rush to me when I need help... as much as they are always there for me... I just don't know.

I love my family so much. I love my friends so much... why do I feel like it doesn't make a difference? Why do I feel like I don't matter at all? That I'll never make a difference...

and why do I feel like nothing... The only vacation I get is when I get to be someone else on Sundays. Everything else is drab and routine.

It makes me think that in some way I'm sick. And realizing that I have a problem has to be some kind of first step. So I look and I look... to try and disprove everything that I have brought myself to believe. Finding something to live for.

And it happened... last year when my nephew Logan was born. I've said it before... but he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Everytime I think of him I have to force myself not to cry. Like I am trying to now... and failing. I can't put it into words... as much as I have tried to put everything I have ever felt, and still feel into words... I can't come up with anything that even comes close to how I feel when I look at him.

And in that little boy is the meaning of life for me... because if it wasn't for him I don't know if I would be alive today. And I owe it to him to spend the rest of my life trying to thank him... For showing me that I'm not crazy, and that there are beautiful things... Things that I thought were all in my head. All of the things I have found in other places and miss so much... Love.

All of the pain I carry around falls off my shoulders when I think about him. When he looks at me... smiles... tries to walk... I just melt. Because I can't handle it.

I'm torn in a world that walks the edge of beauty and ruin. In turn... so do I.

I have to pick a side and walk to it.... I have to just let go... as I have never done so before... I have to...

... I feel better for getting that out... Sometimes I just don't understand why I haven't "healed" and why things still get to me. It gets so bad sometimes... but I have to move on... I don't want to be affected by the past anymore... any of it...

Tomorrow I want to wake up, and have it be just that - Tomorrow. I am all to sick of everyday being yesterday...

---> posted by deaDpixeL @ 5:37 PM [ comment.]