Money and power mean nothing to me.
...
Once again, nothing much going on. I have just been working for the past week or so... Last weekend I didn't go out. I was not up to it. This weekend I probably will.
...
Really looking forward to this summer and warmer weather. I have expectations for my last vacation before going back to school. Last summer, I had REALLY high hopes... Alas things took a sharp turn for the worse right away. Or should I say drop.
Things are different now. I am not. I still long for someone to love, and to be loved in return. Reflecting as usual... Madonna still enters my mind, almost every day. Not consciously do I call upon the memories, but still at random they come. I often wonder about her... to be honest. How she is doing, etc. Then the vengeful part of me kicks in. Compassion and vindication. I know which one wins. Does she ever read this? She knows damn well where it is. I don't know... no way to tell, really. I don't think it bothers me, save for the fact that I don't know why she would. Not as if she has any resources similar to this.
It is not the same now though, and I have to be honest with myself. I spent time with her, and I cannot help but wonder. I don't love her anymore, I know this.
Two sides to every coin... One side is compassion wondering, the other side is my inherant vindictiveness...
And all I have to say to that is one thing - Look at me now.
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Speaking of love. I cannot wait to put my new computer together next week... Finally. Afterwards I would like to get a digital camera. I can afford it.
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With my tax return, I have decided to suck it up and do the mature thing - pay off what I owe eastern. Whether or not this means I will be taking classes there next fall - we will have to see. Another option would be HFCC which is cheaper, closer... more convenient overall. I should have enough credits to get my associates degree shortly. I think after that I am going to look into firefighter training again. Or vice-versa.
My interest in being a teacher is still waning. I just cannot see myself as one anymore... and frankly, I am sick of school altogether.
Not that I really care what anyone thinks anymore... I just cannot get by the fact that some people have written me off. I wouldn't say I failed out of school. On the contrary, when I had my head together, I was/am a great student. I love to learn, and I would consider myself to be fairly intelligent. I have never had a problem in school, ever.
I love the arts. In contrast, I care nothing for math, programming, etc. I don't find it as interesting as some. More power to them, as I have said... it means nothing to me.
This being said... I know that I don't fit in anymore.
Walked along the same path as everyone else... That is what I could have done, had my heart been in it. Never was.
I would just do things differently. I let my personal life affect my academic life too much. Hard to go to school when you are heartbroken and hiding under a rock. Twice over.
However, I am not making excuses. Had I cared to do so, I would have done better.
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I may love what I do for a living now, but I as I have said - I am not my job. This is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. It is providing a chance for me to get my shit together, and at least I am treading water instead of sinking. Which is more than I could say of some.
Don't get me wrong. I could stay at TAG and make alot of money. Moreso than probably a teacher would make. Or a firefighter, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with my job... but again it is not what I see myself doing 10 years from now. But for now, it will suffice. It allows me to live comfortably.
...
Music
Godsmack "I stand alone" - Official music of the revolution
The White Stripes "Fell in love with a girl" - Bitten me.
Dashboard Confessionals "Screaming Infidelties" - Makes me think of ex's, and Margarita. (read the lyrics)
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posted by deaDpixeL @ 8:35 PM
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